Posted by: thinningtheherd | October 13, 2010

#106 Chelsea Lately

Species Name:  Lackinginhumorus Thinkingshessexyicus

Would people please stop telling this stupid broad that she’s funny?  First she gets that crappy show on E! “Entertainment” television (entertaining if you’re mid-Ambien punch drunk maybe).  Then she hosts the MTV Music Awards (not that that show has any credibility anyway).  But now she’s getting a spinoff show to her shitty late night show on E!  That’s right.  As if there wasn’t enough of this dirty cooze all over your TV’s, “After Lately” will be a scripted comedy series modeled after “The Larry Sanders Show,” and will be a behind the scenes satirical look at her show, “Chelsea Lately.”  Oh, goodie!  That sounds like a colossal waste of my fucking time!

Fuck man, I’m all for there needing to be more funny female comedians out in the world, because as funny as Sarah Silverman and Lisa Lampinelli are, there is a pretty steep drop-off after them.  And if you mention Wendy Cummings, I will give you a Columbian necktie.  That chick knows what profession she’s destined for, and it sure as hell ain’t comedy.  But now everyone is trying to pimp Chelsea Lately out as the new female genius comic, and it makes me want to vomit out my internal organs.

In a world where Chelsea Lately didn’t exist to make me want to pull a Greg Giraldo and “accidentally overdose” too:

  • No one would’ve have been dumb enough to actually believe those stupid rumors that Chelsea Lately and 50 Cent were actually dating.  Everybody knows that dude would break that white bitch in two.
  • E! could’ve made a call to an actually funny rude and crude female comedian in Lampinelli whose late night show I would actually watch.
  • People wouldn’t have to be embarrassed admitting that they think Lately is hot.  Come on guys, she looks like any run-of-the-mill hooker you’d meet at a Tim Hortons.
  • We would have one less person making fun of The Jonas Brothers which is admittedly a little sad.
  • There would be one less person relying on that old comedy crutch of a midget as your personal assistant.

My biggest problem with Chelsea Handler is that she can dish it but she can’t it.  What I mean is that she likes to trash all kinds of celebrities on her show, but never self depricates at all, which we all know is the key to good stand up comedy.  Instead, she struts around like her shit don’t stink.  Well you know what, Chelsea?  Your shit stinks like you just hit up the “All You Can Eat” lunch special at the Bollywood Cafe.

But one has to have dreams right?

Posted by: thinningtheherd | September 29, 2010

#105 GLEE

Species Name: Contrivicus Unoriginalius

So I’ve let this TTH topic gestate in my colon like a crap you hold in for way too long, gives you a stomachache, and eventually turns into a diarrhea waterfall out of your sphincter.  Stop thinking about that mental picture and refocus because I have something very important to tell you… FUCK GLEE.

This show bloooooooooooows.  I really don’t understand why people like it so much.  I can kind of grasp why America has taken such a liking to it because it’s the same retards who enjoy no talent ass clowns singing karaoke on American Idol.  But the critics, that I really don’t get.  I mean if you really sit down and pay attention to the writing on GLEE, it is mind-numbingly terrible, preying on every high school movie cliche in the book.

The worst part is, I feel like I should like this show.  I am not ashamed to admit for the whole internet to hear, I was a self-proclaimed musical theater nerd throughout middle and high school.  I ate that shit up like Kirstie Alley at a Hometown Buffet.  I loved performing, singing, dancing, and no assholes, I’m not gay.  There’s just something so contrived about GLEE, it makes me want to punch everyone involved with that show in the dick or vagina, respectively.

In a world where GLEE didn’t exist to ruin every pop song I enjoyed singing in the shower:

  • People wouldn’t be so distracted from the fact that Ryan Murphy sunk the Nip/Tuck ship by moving the show to Los Angeles.
  • Nowhere in history would it read, “GLEE – Peabody Award Winner.”  Are you fucking kidding me?!  I swear to God I’m not making that up.
  • There would be one less bastardization of “Don’t Stop Believing” in the world because a bunch of drunk girls screeching it out anytime you’re drinking in a bar with a jukebox is bad enough.
  • We wouldn’t have to endure those obnoxious a Capella songs on the radio in addition to our TV.
  • No one would ever had to endure whatever this is…

This show really angers me.  Did you know that in 2009, GLEE had 25 singles on the Billboard chart?  That’s the most in any given year since The Beatles.  The fucking Beatles!  The only thing that makes this show original is that they sing pop songs, that’s the only goddamn thing.  The characters are all stereotypes, the storylines have all been done, better, in all of John Hughes movies, and Jane Lynch is only mildly funny.  I have worked in television for the last five years, aspiring to be a television writer, and I can honestly say that the American TV watching audience majority fucking baffles me.  This the best thing I’ve seen those GLEE kids do:

I really hope Steve Perry shows up at your GLEE sound stage with an AK-47 and murders every last person involved with this train wreck for butchering his power ballad.  You may call yourself “Gleeks” GLEE fans, but to me, you’re more like “Gleetards.”

But one has to have dreams right?

Posted by: thinningtheherd | September 22, 2010

#104 Legal/Medical/Cop Shows

Species Name:  Redundantius IfeellikeIveseenthisbeforeicus

It’s that time of year again…Where the major television networks roll out their new fall shows and as usual, 90% of the new shows are the same old fucking shit.  They’re all legal, medical, or cop procedurals.  Don’t believe me?  Here is the list of the new shows this season broken down into Legal/Medical/Cop shows, and everything else.  Also, I’m obviously referring to dramas since their aren’t very many comedies that deal with people getting murdered on the mean streets of Detroit, and if you couldn’t realize that, well you’re kind of a fucking idiot:

Hawaii Five-0 (Cop)

Chase (Cop)

Detroit 1-8-7 (Cop)

Outlaw (Legal)

The Whole Truth (Legal)

The Defenders (Legal)

Law and Order: Los Angeles (Legal/Cop)

Body of Proof (Cop/Medical)

Blue Bloods (Cop)

Everything Else:

The Event

Lone Star

No Ordinary Family

Undercovers

My Generation

Okay, so maybe it’s only 9 Legal/Medical/Cop shows, to 5 Everything Else shows, but let’s think about how many of those 9 L/M/C shows are actual original ideas, and how many are either remakes, rehashes, spin offs, or the same show in a new location.

1.  Hawaii Five-0 – “OOOOOHHH, a cop show in Hawaii, that’s original!”  Not if you watched the cheeseball show from the 1970’s it’s not.  But you replace a fat Hawaiian with a studly Korean and you got yourself a new show, right?  Who the fuck cares.  CBS has sunk waaaaaaaay too much money into this show to let it get canceled, so you can rest assured that unless the numbers begin to radically tank, this remake cop procedural will see its way to the end of the season.

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2. Chase – Anybody ever seen The Fugitive?  Well, replace Tommy Lee Jones with a fiery, spitfire female lead and you got yourself Chase, but without the good writing and finely crafted tension.

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3. Detroit 1-8-7 – Haven’t we already proven that Christopher Molitsanti is not cut out for network TV?  I don’t think people want to look at his ugly mug except on HBO where ratings don’t matter.  This is ABC trying to capture the grittiness of The Shield, but Southland already proved that’s not possible on network television.  Not to mention this is simply a run of the mill cop procedural set in a different city.

4.  Outlaw – Ugghhh…this has to be the worst show of the new season thus far.  Jimmy Smits as a sex symbol, radical Supreme Court Judge who resigns from the court to go back to being an attorney and make a difference.  Yes, it’s as bad as it sounds.  Sure, the premise is a tad bit original, but the show itself uses every contrived cliche in the legal books.

5.  The Whole Truth – What a clever name for a legal show…if you’re a retarded second grader.  There is nothing novel about this tired legal procedural premise.  DA vs. Defense attorney, whoopeedee fucking doo.  Rob Morrow, you had your moment, Numbers lasted far longer than anybody thought it would, now just go away.  Maura Tierney, I love her, but hate this show.

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6.  The Defenders – Jerry O’Connell and Jim Belushi as lawyers in Las Vegas.  I rest my case your honor.

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7.  Law and Order: Los Angeles – Sure, the cast is top notch, but the premise is exactly the same as the 67 other Law and Order shows just a new city for Dick Wolf to play in.  It’s no secret that every st0ryline from this franchise for the last decade has been stolen straight for the newspaper headlines, and this proves to be no different.  This has to be one of the cushiest writing jobs in television.

8.  Body of ProofBones meets CSI. I’m sure was the pitch in that meeting.  Dana Delaney has chops, but this premise feels redundant at best.

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9.  Blue Bloods – Despite CBS relegating this show to Friday nights, I can see this show being the biggest hit of the season, and on the air for the next decade because old people love the shit out of Tom Selleck and those fucking “Jesse Stone” movies.  Who cares what this generic cop procedural is about?  It’s got Selleck and his ‘stache.  Instant gold for Les Moonves.

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Bottom line, if you don’t have cable, get it, now, otherwise you are in store for a VERY long TV season.  The Event may be the only watchable drama this season on network TV, but I fear even that show may be too over the heads of retarded middle America and may get cancelled.  The other new shows with the exception of No Ordinary Family (The Incredibles meets Heroes) look like they could have potential, but again don’t seem like anything truly unique.

The world would be a much better place if network television would start taking their cues from cable where risks are being taken.  Listen up CBS, NBC, ABC, FOX, take a look at AMC’s slate.  They have a show about a chemistry teacher/meth cook, a show about the 1960’s advertising industry, and they’re getting ready to premiere a serialized show about a zombie driven apocalypse.  AMC’s motto is “Story Matters Here,” and frankly you networks could learn a little something from that.

Posted by: thinningtheherd | September 16, 2010

#103 Gabourey Sidibe

Species Name:  Gargantuanicus Mediocreus

Now, before you all condemn me for being a racist…hear me out.  What is really so great about this girl?  Is it just that people are gravitating towards the fact that a morbidly obese girl can make it in Hollywood?  Okay, I could get on board with that if I thought she was a good actress.  Look, Megan Fox is a shit actress, but she has the fact that she’s smoking hot to compensate for her acting ineptness.  Sidibe…doesn’t.

Let’s take a look at Precious since it’s pretty much the only thing Sidibe has been in.  I know you all felt terribly sorry for the poor girl in Precious, being molested by her father, beaten by her mother, and left with no other choice but to five finger discount fried chicken.  But we all know the real star of this movie was Mo’Nique.  That performance was worthy of all the acclaim it got, but Mo’Nique do us all favor, and cut those acceptance speeches down and shave your arms.  Gabourey Sidibe was fine in that movie but nothing groundbreaking.  But I also have a personal bias against movie with a long winded title like: Precious: Based on the Novel “Push” by Sapphire.  You didn’t see Apocalypse Now! calling itself Apocalypse Now!: Based on the novel “Heart of Darkness” by Joseph Conrad.  You know why?  Cause that would sound ridiculous.  But I digress, we’re here to deal with Gabourey Sidibe, so let’s get right to it.

In a world where Gabourey Sidibe didn’t exist to fool everyone into thinking she’s the “next big thing:”

  • We wouldn’t have to witness Sidibe’s eventual fall from grace where she will, out of depression, proceed to eat herself into oblivion and…oh wait…
  • There wouldn’t be this asinine controversy about whether ELLE magazine used Photoshop to lighten Sidibe’s skin on the recent cover she just posed for.  You hear that sound?  That’s the sound of me not giving a shit.
  • No one would’ve have had to watch proof of Sidibe’s lack of talent when she hosted SNL.  Why would you let someone who has done one movie, that also happens to be the heaviest (pun intended) drama of the year, host a sketch comedy show?
  • We wouldn’t have been able to see Gabourey’s range as an actress, playing a student in the Showtime series The Big C.
  • We all wouldn’t have to feel sad watching your mother try to win America’s Got Talent.  That’s your mother girl, don’t make her pander on a sleazy reality show.  Introduce her ass to your agent, it’s the least you could do since she brought you into this world.

Gabourey Sidibe may be scoring one for the BBW’s, but frankly she could use a few less Double Cheesburgers from McDonald’s and few more Subway sandwiches.  Hey, if it worked for Jared…Either that or start taking better notes from Mo’Nique, because she’s a BBW with range.  All I’m saying is that you have to have either talent or beauty otherwise you’re setting a terrible example for those other heffers who think they can be fat and untalented and make it too.  Unfortunately, I can’t see Sidibe disappearing anytime soon because she’s under both Oprah and Tyler Perry’s wings, and they will make sure we’re well aware of who she is for many years to come.

But one has to have dreams right?

Posted by: thinningtheherd | September 12, 2010

#102 The VMA’s

Species Name: Sameoldshiticus Ginormouswasteoftimeius

Maybe I’m just old, but this awards show was kind of retarded.  First, it’s hosted by Chelsea Handler, who every time she opens her mouth a puppy dies.  It boggles my mind how this stupid bitch has a nightly show on television, and Sarah Silverman can’t manage to keep a show on LOGO.  Second, yeah we get it, Kanye West is a douchebag for interrupting Taylor Swift’s acceptance speech, it was a year ago MTV, move on.  Then there’s Justin “I’m a Lesbian” Beiber.  I actually got nauseous when I heard all the little teeny boppers heads exploding when Bieber came out on stage outside the Nokia Theater.

I just find it kind of dumb that a network that only plays music during the hours of 3am and 6am has a whole awards show dedicated to it.  Not only that, but every category seems exactly the fucking same, all just variations on one another with the same fucking people always nominated.  The only thing redeeming during the show was Deadmaus doing the background/bumper music to the awards show.  He’s the shit.  If you’ve never heard of him, go illegally pirate his music now.  Fuck iTunes.  Steve Jobs has plenty of fucking money.

In a world where the Video Music Awards didn’t exist to make me realize just how out of touch I am with the kiddies:

  • No one would’ve have had to witness Pop Tarts shameless advertising campaign.  “What would you do with a million Pop Tarts?” Who the fuck cares?  I would probably just eat them at a leisurely pace.  It’s not like I have to worry about those fucking things ever going bad.
  • Ke$ha wouldn’t make all of us constantly wonder how her ugly, no talent ass got famous.
  • I wouldn’t have to google, “Who the fuck is Drake?”

  • Jared Leto could just go back to acting, something he was at least decent at.
  • There would be one less reason for me to completely lose my faith in humanity.

I don’t want “Beiber Fever,” I don’t care what B.O.B. stands for, Chelsea Handler is a whore, and all this music sounds the fucking same!  I guess I am old, but you know what?  I’d rather be in a retirement home than say that my musical idols are Justin Beiber and Ke$ha.  As if this awards show wasn’t terrible enough, you include a performance by Linkin Park?  Just fucking kill me.  What a horrible way to cap off a great day of football.  Youth of America, I blame you.

But one has to have dreams right?

Posted by: thinningtheherd | September 2, 2010

#101 Razor Scooters

Species Name:  Youlooklikeamoronicus Withoutapenisius

I recently rejoined academia in pursuit of a Masters degree and I was pretty fucking shocked to see that people are still riding around on Razor scooters.  Look asshole, get off the goddamn scooter, you look like a fucking idiot.  You’re a grown ass man (yes, sadly it is the male gender dumb enough to ride these things around) and you shouldn’t be riding something that’s targeted towards kids who have less hair on their whole body than you have on your balls.  You know how the guy riding around on his Vespa looks like a pussy? Well, you riding around on your Razor Scooter makes you the Queen of the Vaginas and everyone must bow down and worship your giant roast beef curtains of pussydom.

I can almost forgive seeing dipshits riding these around during the span of 2000-2004 when I was an undergrad since that was in the height of the fad.  But it’s now 2010 and the same assholes who were riding them around a decade ago are still sporting them like a retarded badge of honor.  Next time I see one of these guys on campus, I’m going to kick him in the nuts mid-scoot and say, “You’re an adult, ride a goddamn bike!”  And then kick him one more time in the nuts for good measure.

In a world where the Razor Scooter didn’t exist to reveal the portion of the population walking around without testicles:

  • The term “freestyle scootering” would never have been coined.  “EXTREME!  I’m going to act like I’m riding a skateboard but without the street cred.”  Congratulations fuckface, everyone is now convinced you are mentally retarded.
  • This guy would still be working at your local Toys-R-Us instead of giving demeaning lessons on riding a fucking scooter.  Thanks for the detailed lesson dick!  It’s a scooter, not an F-16!
  • This guy would’ve been deprived the pleasure of kicking his friend in the head for riding a Razor Scooter:
  • I would have been deprived the hearty laughter I got while watching these guys EPIC FAIL while riding scooters:
  • We all wouldn’t be left wondering what Grizzly Adams here is planning on doing with his SUV of Razor Scooters:

Unless you are between the ages of 6 and 12 years old, you have no business riding one of these dickless modes of transportation.  And even if you are between the ages of 6 and 12 and I happen to see you crash while riding one of these things…I just might not help you.  I mean, what kind of proponent of Darwinism at work would I be then?  For you adults, find another hobby.  Shit, take up Magic the Gathering, or POGS, or Pokemon, anything is better than this decade old fad that makes you look like you took one too many hits off the Cool Whip can.

But one has to have dreams right?

Posted by: thinningtheherd | August 30, 2010

#100 The Douchebag (Redux)

Species Name:  Patheticus Oblivious

100 posts later, and there are still so many assholes in the world who don’t deserve to be here.  It’s hard to believe that “Thinning the Herd” has reached its centennial post.  Seemed fitting to come back to where it all started a little less than a year ago.  Figured I’d take a look at how “The Douchebag” has de-volved over the past year and why the world would STILL be a better place if they didn’t exist.

In the last year we’ve seen the emergence of the “Guido Douchebag” on a national scale:

One guy we all thought wasn’t a douchebag…turns out he was:

And one guy we all knew was a douchebag…still is:

In a world where the Douchebag didn’t exist to further convince us that there is no God:

  • We wouldn’t have to listen to them grunting at the gym like they’re giving it to their fleshlight.

  • We’d never have to look at one more fucking perfectly manicured chinstrap.

  • No one would have to endure looking at whatever Carrot Top has turned into.  As if his comedy wasn’t bad enough…

  • With all the douchebags gone, there would be no Team Edward vs. Team Jacob nonsense to hear about ever again.
  • No one would have to pay a cover to go into a bar ever again because only douchebags see paying a cover as a rite of passage.
  • I wouldn’t have thrown my brand new laptop through a wall after watching this music video of autotuned douchebaggery:

Christ, how do I even continue after that video.  Seriously, how did this douchebag plague begin?  Do I need to find Ed Hardy and kick him in the nuts?  Is Axe body spray to blame?  Do I need to head to every nightclub on Friday/Saturday night to firebomb the bottle service section?  No, you know why?  Because no matter what we do, there are new douchebags being born every fucking day!  Forget the zombie apocalypse, that I could handle, but the douchebag apocalypse is just about doing this angry blogger in.

But one has to have dreams right?

Posted by: thinningtheherd | August 25, 2010

#99 WWE Studios

Species Name: Shamelessius Attemptatcapitalizationicus

Man, I used to love the WWF, which for those of you who don’t remember, is what the WWE used to be called.  I was such a fan, I even went to “Wrestlemania” back in 2000.  My love for professional wrestling began in the Hulk Hogan/Ultimate Warrior era, then I took a little break, and eventually came back during the Stone Cold/The Rock dynasty.  What can I say?  It was silly, dumb, over-the-top fun.  Did I feel a little white trashy loving it so, sure, but I still made sure to clear my schedule on Monday nights so I could be at home to watch “RAW.”  Since 2000, I’ve lost interest in the “sport.”  All the wrestlers are so generic looking now.  The only thing separating them are their variations on the tribal arm band tattoo, and their different colored speedos.  Frankly, its lost its spark.  So why the hell did Vince McMahon decide to start a film production company during this lackluster era of superstars?  Hell if I know.

Vince McMahon started WWE Studios back in 2002 co-producing movies like The Scorpion King, Walking Tall, and The Rundown, all starring Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson.  When The Rock officially left the WWE to pursue acting full time, WWE started sole-producing movies and the production value seemed to drop big time.  Their first theatrical release was See No Evil, a horror movie starring Kane, followed by the John Cena vehicle, The Marine, and The Condemned which starred Stone Cold Steve Austin.  All of them…pretty terrible.  The most egregious however has to be the WWE Studios newest movie just announced yesterday, Bending the Rules, starring Jamie Kennedy and WWE star “Edge.”

I’m completely aware that this is all part of the WWE branding process, but the fact of the matter is that just because these guys can fake beating the crap out of one another with folding chairs, doesn’t mean they can act, which they can’t, and neither can Jamie Kennedy…because he sucks.

In a world where the WWE Studios didn’t exist to try to force their no talent ass clowns into our cineplex’s:

  • John Cena would have remained  just another redneck beefcake in jean shorts.

  • Adam “Edge” Copeland would have remained just another Anne Rice novel vampire reject.

  • Randy Orton would have had to follow his other passion, dancing in a West Hollywood gay bar.

  • Stone Cold Steve Austin would have stuck to acting in quality action movies like The Expendables where he isn’t required to talk a whole helluva lot.

  • The Rock would have never starred in such iconic pieces of cinema as The Tooth Fairy and Doom.

Please Vince, fold your production company.  As much as I love bad movies, there are enough out there that have at least some redeeming qualities to them (ala The Expendables and Piranha 3D). But your movies are just flat out terrible, and nobody should have to endure those.  You make plenty of money off the WWE, so just leave the movie-making to the people who know what they’re doing or I will be forced to “Rock Bottom” you…”If you smell, what the Herd, it cooking!”

But one has to have dreams right?

Posted by: thinningtheherd | August 23, 2010

#98 Joe Francis

Species Name:  Whinybabyius Kingofthedouchebagicus

In the new campy horror movie, Piranha 3D, Jerry O’Connell plays Derrick Jones, a softcore pornographer who travels with his crew to Spring Break in the hopes of getting some footage of college girls with loose morals willing to bare it all for the cameras.  Sound familiar?  It’s no big secret this character is not so loosely based on “Girls Gone Wild” guru Joe Francis.  Now, Francis’ lawyers have issued a letter to The Weinstein Company warning the company against ““maligning Mr. Francis in promoting the film or otherwise.”  So you’re telling me that Joe Francis is worried about his reputation being ruined?  Dude, you’re a fucking smut peddler!  What reputation.

You know what this is?  This is Francis trying to stay socially relevant.  He realizes that not many people care about “Girls Gone Wild” anymore, and saw this as a perfect opportunity to get his attention whoring ass back in the headlines.  I already thought you were a douchebag, Francis, but now I think you’re a whiny pussy on top of it.

In a world where Joe Francis didn’t exist to wreak of Eau de Douchebag:

  • O’Connell’s character in the movie wouldn’t be nearly as funny because it wouldn’t be capturing the tooliness that is Joe Francis.  I mean, the tooliness that is kinda like Joe Francis but not really.
  • The world would be rid of one less frat boy dingleberry.
  • We all would’ve been cheated out of a good laught when Darren Riley kidnapped Francis, stuck a dildo in his ass, and recorded him saying “I’m Joe Francis from Boys Gone Wild, and I like it in the ass,” all as part of ploy to extort money from Francis.
  • Francis wouldn’t been able to serve his time in prison after being convicted on child abuse and prostitution charges.
  • We wouldn’t have heard about the IRS filing a lien against Francis for not paying his taxes for 3 straight years.

Seriously asshole, you’re not going to pay your taxes?  You’re a pornographer.  You don’t think the IRS was waiting for the moment they could nail your ass to the wall?  Getting back to the matter at hand, why the hell can’t Joe Francis just be flattered that he’s being depicted in a major Hollywood movie.  I guarantee you if the producers would’ve asked Francis himself to play the part, he would’ve been all over it because well…he’s a whore.

But one has to have dreams right?

Posted by: thinningtheherd | August 18, 2010

#97 Hackers

Species Name:  Toomuchtimeontheirhandsius Cockroachicus

Listen up ZeroCool, CrashandBurn, or whatever the fuck your stupid hacker handle is, STOP FUCKING WITH MY SHIT!  Never, in my 15 years of having an email address have I had an issue with hackers.  But in the last three weeks, I’ve had my Gmail hacked three times.  WTF?  Obviously these dipshits don’t realize that I’m an unemployed writer suckling off the government’s teet.  Trust me, you are barking up the wrong tree.

When these hackers go after mega corporations, I can kinda get that.  Whether you’re looking for a quick pay day or to simply stick it to the man, at least when you fuck with those guys, you get the most bang for your buck.  But why me?  What did the “little guy” ever do to you?  I’ve had it with you pricks.  Your like fucking cockroaches that eat lots of Flaming Hot Cheetos and drink Mountain Dew while sitting in glued to your computer monitor in your mother’s basement, and it’s time for you to be exterminated.

In a world where hackers didn’t exist to make us feel completely naked and insecure on the inter-webs:

  • Jeff Bridges would have had to find another way to break into ENCOM’s system in Tron.
  • Matthew Broderick wouldn’t have gotten into so much goddamn trouble in War Games.
  • In 2000, Michael Calce, aka MafiaBoy (nice handle toolbag), wouldn’t have been able to hack into Yahoo!, Amazon, CNN.com, Dell, and E*Trade causing a reported 1.2 billion dollars in losses.
  • Mac users wouldn’t be able to sit atop their Ivory towers and look down on the PC users anymore, seeing as no one would have to worry about viruses ever again.
  • So many websites would be able to focus on making their sites functional instead of constantly designing news security updates to fight off the angry horde’s of hackers storming their digital gates.
  • There wouldn’t be nearly as many girls named “Amber” who want you to come check out their webcam, and when you do, you’re bombarded with a plethora of bestiality pop-ups.

By the way, that last one didn’t actually happen to me, I was just, uh, providing an example.  Yeah, that’s it.  Seriously speaking though, I’m sick and tired of these motherfucking hackers trying to steal my motherfucking personal information.  It’s hard to believe that in the 37 years since the internet was invented, the government hasn’t figured out some way to crack down on these bastards.  If they do however, I fear the result would be us living out the rest of our lives in some fucked up dystopian Orwellian state.  Nobody wants that, we’ve got enough “Big Brother” on CBS.

Also, please check out my new site www.badmovienite.com for the latest news, reviews, and everything in between in regards to everybody’s favorite guilty pleasure…bad movies.

But one has to have dreams right?

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