Species Name: Lackinginhumorus Thinkingshessexyicus
Would people please stop telling this stupid broad that she’s funny? First she gets that crappy show on E! “Entertainment” television (entertaining if you’re mid-Ambien punch drunk maybe). Then she hosts the MTV Music Awards (not that that show has any credibility anyway). But now she’s getting a spinoff show to her shitty late night show on E! That’s right. As if there wasn’t enough of this dirty cooze all over your TV’s, “After Lately” will be a scripted comedy series modeled after “The Larry Sanders Show,” and will be a behind the scenes satirical look at her show, “Chelsea Lately.” Oh, goodie! That sounds like a colossal waste of my fucking time!
Fuck man, I’m all for there needing to be more funny female comedians out in the world, because as funny as Sarah Silverman and Lisa Lampinelli are, there is a pretty steep drop-off after them. And if you mention Wendy Cummings, I will give you a Columbian necktie. That chick knows what profession she’s destined for, and it sure as hell ain’t comedy. But now everyone is trying to pimp Chelsea Lately out as the new female genius comic, and it makes me want to vomit out my internal organs.
In a world where Chelsea Lately didn’t exist to make me want to pull a Greg Giraldo and “accidentally overdose” too:
- No one would’ve have been dumb enough to actually believe those stupid rumors that Chelsea Lately and 50 Cent were actually dating. Everybody knows that dude would break that white bitch in two.
- E! could’ve made a call to an actually funny rude and crude female comedian in Lampinelli whose late night show I would actually watch.
- People wouldn’t have to be embarrassed admitting that they think Lately is hot. Come on guys, she looks like any run-of-the-mill hooker you’d meet at a Tim Hortons.
- We would have one less person making fun of The Jonas Brothers which is admittedly a little sad.
- There would be one less person relying on that old comedy crutch of a midget as your personal assistant.
My biggest problem with Chelsea Handler is that she can dish it but she can’t it. What I mean is that she likes to trash all kinds of celebrities on her show, but never self depricates at all, which we all know is the key to good stand up comedy. Instead, she struts around like her shit don’t stink. Well you know what, Chelsea? Your shit stinks like you just hit up the “All You Can Eat” lunch special at the Bollywood Cafe.
But one has to have dreams right?