Species Name: Lazinessius Capitalizaticus
The dangerous side effect of taking large breaks between TTH posts is that they have that much longer to gestate in my brain until I become so filled with rage I could snap a midget in half. Living in Los Angeles, I’ve grown to despise valet parking. It’s everywhere, whether you want to go to a swanky restaurant or even just visit your local doctor, these assholes have found a way to nickel and dime us to use their space, that isn’t even their fucking space! I mean, seriously, what has the world come to when we’re being charged to park our car somewhere? Have you really sat back and thought about just how ridiculous that is? It’s not like in most of these valet parking lots, these dipshits are saving you the trouble of parking your car eight blocks away. No, you literally pull up, hand your car over to them so that they can park it four feet away from where you are standing. Great, so glad I’m paying you $10 plus tip to save me that fucking inconvenience.
In a world where valet parking didn’t exist to take advantage of lazy shits:
- We wouldn’t have to secretly worry that every time we drop our car off with a valet they’re secretly about to embark on a Ferris Bueller escapade which will then lead to you having to worry about setting the odometer back so that you’re overbearing dad doesn’t beat you ass.
- I wouldn’t like a fucking cheapskate refusing to pay for valet parking and driving around like for twenty minutes looking for a spot because that would actually be considered normal operating procedure.
- You wouldn’t get back in your car to find everything changed. The seat setting, mirror setting, it smells like farts, and your stereo has been turned off. I’m sorry you don’t appreciate the Hall and Oates that I’m bumping down Sunset Boulevard but guess what asshole? It ain’t your car, stop touching shit!
- You wouldn’t have to feel like a loser when your car isn’t “cool” enough that it doesn’t get displayed at the front of the valet pack. Trust me, it’s not worth upgrading to a douchemobile.
- You wouldn’t feel inclined to buy into the vest and bowtie bullshit as if valet parking is some classy American pastime that you’re fortunate enough to take part in. It’s all smoke and mirrors!
People who own valet parking companies are the dregs of society. The fact that they get off on charging a fee to park your car somewhere that would otherwise be free makes them nothing more than a bag of dicks. I yearn for a world where people aren’t looking to rip us off at every turn, but alas, it only seems to be getting continually worse no matter how much deeper we plunge into the infinite abyss of recession. Next time you think about valeting your car, don’t. Think of it as your little way of sticking it to the man. Don’t try to rationalize it by telling yourself, “Well I worked some overtime this week, so I’ve got some extra cash to burn.” No! Save that extra cash for a lap dance or a Double Down at KFC. Don’t you dare give it to one of these penguin-looking motherfuckers. It’s the principle, man! That being said, after eating a Double Down, you probably won’t be able to walk more than half a block and in turn be forced to valet. It’s a vicious cycle…
But one has to have dreams right?