Posted by: thinningtheherd | September 29, 2010

#105 GLEE

Species Name: Contrivicus Unoriginalius

So I’ve let this TTH topic gestate in my colon like a crap you hold in for way too long, gives you a stomachache, and eventually turns into a diarrhea waterfall out of your sphincter.  Stop thinking about that mental picture and refocus because I have something very important to tell you… FUCK GLEE.

This show bloooooooooooows.  I really don’t understand why people like it so much.  I can kind of grasp why America has taken such a liking to it because it’s the same retards who enjoy no talent ass clowns singing karaoke on American Idol.  But the critics, that I really don’t get.  I mean if you really sit down and pay attention to the writing on GLEE, it is mind-numbingly terrible, preying on every high school movie cliche in the book.

The worst part is, I feel like I should like this show.  I am not ashamed to admit for the whole internet to hear, I was a self-proclaimed musical theater nerd throughout middle and high school.  I ate that shit up like Kirstie Alley at a Hometown Buffet.  I loved performing, singing, dancing, and no assholes, I’m not gay.  There’s just something so contrived about GLEE, it makes me want to punch everyone involved with that show in the dick or vagina, respectively.

In a world where GLEE didn’t exist to ruin every pop song I enjoyed singing in the shower:

  • People wouldn’t be so distracted from the fact that Ryan Murphy sunk the Nip/Tuck ship by moving the show to Los Angeles.
  • Nowhere in history would it read, “GLEE – Peabody Award Winner.”  Are you fucking kidding me?!  I swear to God I’m not making that up.
  • There would be one less bastardization of “Don’t Stop Believing” in the world because a bunch of drunk girls screeching it out anytime you’re drinking in a bar with a jukebox is bad enough.
  • We wouldn’t have to endure those obnoxious a Capella songs on the radio in addition to our TV.
  • No one would ever had to endure whatever this is…

This show really angers me.  Did you know that in 2009, GLEE had 25 singles on the Billboard chart?  That’s the most in any given year since The Beatles.  The fucking Beatles!  The only thing that makes this show original is that they sing pop songs, that’s the only goddamn thing.  The characters are all stereotypes, the storylines have all been done, better, in all of John Hughes movies, and Jane Lynch is only mildly funny.  I have worked in television for the last five years, aspiring to be a television writer, and I can honestly say that the American TV watching audience majority fucking baffles me.  This the best thing I’ve seen those GLEE kids do:

I really hope Steve Perry shows up at your GLEE sound stage with an AK-47 and murders every last person involved with this train wreck for butchering his power ballad.  You may call yourself “Gleeks” GLEE fans, but to me, you’re more like “Gleetards.”

But one has to have dreams right?


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