Posted by: thinningtheherd | September 2, 2010

#101 Razor Scooters

Species Name:  Youlooklikeamoronicus Withoutapenisius

I recently rejoined academia in pursuit of a Masters degree and I was pretty fucking shocked to see that people are still riding around on Razor scooters.  Look asshole, get off the goddamn scooter, you look like a fucking idiot.  You’re a grown ass man (yes, sadly it is the male gender dumb enough to ride these things around) and you shouldn’t be riding something that’s targeted towards kids who have less hair on their whole body than you have on your balls.  You know how the guy riding around on his Vespa looks like a pussy? Well, you riding around on your Razor Scooter makes you the Queen of the Vaginas and everyone must bow down and worship your giant roast beef curtains of pussydom.

I can almost forgive seeing dipshits riding these around during the span of 2000-2004 when I was an undergrad since that was in the height of the fad.  But it’s now 2010 and the same assholes who were riding them around a decade ago are still sporting them like a retarded badge of honor.  Next time I see one of these guys on campus, I’m going to kick him in the nuts mid-scoot and say, “You’re an adult, ride a goddamn bike!”  And then kick him one more time in the nuts for good measure.

In a world where the Razor Scooter didn’t exist to reveal the portion of the population walking around without testicles:

  • The term “freestyle scootering” would never have been coined.  “EXTREME!  I’m going to act like I’m riding a skateboard but without the street cred.”  Congratulations fuckface, everyone is now convinced you are mentally retarded.
  • This guy would still be working at your local Toys-R-Us instead of giving demeaning lessons on riding a fucking scooter.  Thanks for the detailed lesson dick!  It’s a scooter, not an F-16!
  • This guy would’ve been deprived the pleasure of kicking his friend in the head for riding a Razor Scooter:
  • I would have been deprived the hearty laughter I got while watching these guys EPIC FAIL while riding scooters:
  • We all wouldn’t be left wondering what Grizzly Adams here is planning on doing with his SUV of Razor Scooters:

Unless you are between the ages of 6 and 12 years old, you have no business riding one of these dickless modes of transportation.  And even if you are between the ages of 6 and 12 and I happen to see you crash while riding one of these things…I just might not help you.  I mean, what kind of proponent of Darwinism at work would I be then?  For you adults, find another hobby.  Shit, take up Magic the Gathering, or POGS, or Pokemon, anything is better than this decade old fad that makes you look like you took one too many hits off the Cool Whip can.

But one has to have dreams right?



  1. hahaha! well said! and why do they all have helmets- as if they are even capable of going fast enough! love the video where they are all crashing- hey moron! youre not on a skateboard, thats why you cant do skateboard tricks!

  2. The brand new skatepark here (which in itself is absolutely an awesome Grindline-built masterpiece) is totally swamped by the things.. I have almost no words. They even have a pseudo biker dad that polices the place and recently made news accusing the skateboarders of “fascistic behavior” towards razorers. It’s war! Meeting at the Parks Dept. soon should be fun

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s


%d bloggers like this: