Posted by: thinningtheherd | August 25, 2010

#99 WWE Studios


Species Name: Shamelessius Attemptatcapitalizationicus

Man, I used to love the WWF, which for those of you who don’t remember, is what the WWE used to be called.  I was such a fan, I even went to “Wrestlemania” back in 2000.  My love for professional wrestling began in the Hulk Hogan/Ultimate Warrior era, then I took a little break, and eventually came back during the Stone Cold/The Rock dynasty.  What can I say?  It was silly, dumb, over-the-top fun.  Did I feel a little white trashy loving it so, sure, but I still made sure to clear my schedule on Monday nights so I could be at home to watch “RAW.”  Since 2000, I’ve lost interest in the “sport.”  All the wrestlers are so generic looking now.  The only thing separating them are their variations on the tribal arm band tattoo, and their different colored speedos.  Frankly, its lost its spark.  So why the hell did Vince McMahon decide to start a film production company during this lackluster era of superstars?  Hell if I know.

Vince McMahon started WWE Studios back in 2002 co-producing movies like The Scorpion King, Walking Tall, and The Rundown, all starring Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson.  When The Rock officially left the WWE to pursue acting full time, WWE started sole-producing movies and the production value seemed to drop big time.  Their first theatrical release was See No Evil, a horror movie starring Kane, followed by the John Cena vehicle, The Marine, and The Condemned which starred Stone Cold Steve Austin.  All of them…pretty terrible.  The most egregious however has to be the WWE Studios newest movie just announced yesterday, Bending the Rules, starring Jamie Kennedy and WWE star “Edge.”

I’m completely aware that this is all part of the WWE branding process, but the fact of the matter is that just because these guys can fake beating the crap out of one another with folding chairs, doesn’t mean they can act, which they can’t, and neither can Jamie Kennedy…because he sucks.

In a world where the WWE Studios didn’t exist to try to force their no talent ass clowns into our cineplex’s:

  • John Cena would have remained  just another redneck beefcake in jean shorts.

  • Adam “Edge” Copeland would have remained just another Anne Rice novel vampire reject.

  • Randy Orton would have had to follow his other passion, dancing in a West Hollywood gay bar.

  • Stone Cold Steve Austin would have stuck to acting in quality action movies like The Expendables where he isn’t required to talk a whole helluva lot.

  • The Rock would have never starred in such iconic pieces of cinema as The Tooth Fairy and Doom.

Please Vince, fold your production company.  As much as I love bad movies, there are enough out there that have at least some redeeming qualities to them (ala The Expendables and Piranha 3D). But your movies are just flat out terrible, and nobody should have to endure those.  You make plenty of money off the WWE, so just leave the movie-making to the people who know what they’re doing or I will be forced to “Rock Bottom” you…”If you smell, what the Herd, it cooking!”

But one has to have dreams right?

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Responses

  1. I have to admit to really liking “The Rundown.” I would be totally okay with a sequel to that movie, especially if there are more kung-fu midgets involved.

    -jeff.
    http://www.bettergeekthannever.com


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