Posted by: thinningtheherd | August 23, 2010

#98 Joe Francis

Species Name:  Whinybabyius Kingofthedouchebagicus

In the new campy horror movie, Piranha 3D, Jerry O’Connell plays Derrick Jones, a softcore pornographer who travels with his crew to Spring Break in the hopes of getting some footage of college girls with loose morals willing to bare it all for the cameras.  Sound familiar?  It’s no big secret this character is not so loosely based on “Girls Gone Wild” guru Joe Francis.  Now, Francis’ lawyers have issued a letter to The Weinstein Company warning the company against ““maligning Mr. Francis in promoting the film or otherwise.”  So you’re telling me that Joe Francis is worried about his reputation being ruined?  Dude, you’re a fucking smut peddler!  What reputation.

You know what this is?  This is Francis trying to stay socially relevant.  He realizes that not many people care about “Girls Gone Wild” anymore, and saw this as a perfect opportunity to get his attention whoring ass back in the headlines.  I already thought you were a douchebag, Francis, but now I think you’re a whiny pussy on top of it.

In a world where Joe Francis didn’t exist to wreak of Eau de Douchebag:

  • O’Connell’s character in the movie wouldn’t be nearly as funny because it wouldn’t be capturing the tooliness that is Joe Francis.  I mean, the tooliness that is kinda like Joe Francis but not really.
  • The world would be rid of one less frat boy dingleberry.
  • We all would’ve been cheated out of a good laught when Darren Riley kidnapped Francis, stuck a dildo in his ass, and recorded him saying “I’m Joe Francis from Boys Gone Wild, and I like it in the ass,” all as part of ploy to extort money from Francis.
  • Francis wouldn’t been able to serve his time in prison after being convicted on child abuse and prostitution charges.
  • We wouldn’t have heard about the IRS filing a lien against Francis for not paying his taxes for 3 straight years.

Seriously asshole, you’re not going to pay your taxes?  You’re a pornographer.  You don’t think the IRS was waiting for the moment they could nail your ass to the wall?  Getting back to the matter at hand, why the hell can’t Joe Francis just be flattered that he’s being depicted in a major Hollywood movie.  I guarantee you if the producers would’ve asked Francis himself to play the part, he would’ve been all over it because well…he’s a whore.

But one has to have dreams right?


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