Posted by: thinningtheherd | August 18, 2010

#97 Hackers

Species Name:  Toomuchtimeontheirhandsius Cockroachicus

Listen up ZeroCool, CrashandBurn, or whatever the fuck your stupid hacker handle is, STOP FUCKING WITH MY SHIT!  Never, in my 15 years of having an email address have I had an issue with hackers.  But in the last three weeks, I’ve had my Gmail hacked three times.  WTF?  Obviously these dipshits don’t realize that I’m an unemployed writer suckling off the government’s teet.  Trust me, you are barking up the wrong tree.

When these hackers go after mega corporations, I can kinda get that.  Whether you’re looking for a quick pay day or to simply stick it to the man, at least when you fuck with those guys, you get the most bang for your buck.  But why me?  What did the “little guy” ever do to you?  I’ve had it with you pricks.  Your like fucking cockroaches that eat lots of Flaming Hot Cheetos and drink Mountain Dew while sitting in glued to your computer monitor in your mother’s basement, and it’s time for you to be exterminated.

In a world where hackers didn’t exist to make us feel completely naked and insecure on the inter-webs:

  • Jeff Bridges would have had to find another way to break into ENCOM’s system in Tron.
  • Matthew Broderick wouldn’t have gotten into so much goddamn trouble in War Games.
  • In 2000, Michael Calce, aka MafiaBoy (nice handle toolbag), wouldn’t have been able to hack into Yahoo!, Amazon,, Dell, and E*Trade causing a reported 1.2 billion dollars in losses.
  • Mac users wouldn’t be able to sit atop their Ivory towers and look down on the PC users anymore, seeing as no one would have to worry about viruses ever again.
  • So many websites would be able to focus on making their sites functional instead of constantly designing news security updates to fight off the angry horde’s of hackers storming their digital gates.
  • There wouldn’t be nearly as many girls named “Amber” who want you to come check out their webcam, and when you do, you’re bombarded with a plethora of bestiality pop-ups.

By the way, that last one didn’t actually happen to me, I was just, uh, providing an example.  Yeah, that’s it.  Seriously speaking though, I’m sick and tired of these motherfucking hackers trying to steal my motherfucking personal information.  It’s hard to believe that in the 37 years since the internet was invented, the government hasn’t figured out some way to crack down on these bastards.  If they do however, I fear the result would be us living out the rest of our lives in some fucked up dystopian Orwellian state.  Nobody wants that, we’ve got enough “Big Brother” on CBS.

Also, please check out my new site for the latest news, reviews, and everything in between in regards to everybody’s favorite guilty pleasure…bad movies.

But one has to have dreams right?


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