Posted by: thinningtheherd | August 11, 2010

(De-Thinned) #3 – Eddie Murphy

Species Name:  Whathappenedius Hackicus

Before you all type “eddie murphy dead” into your Google search, Eddie Murphy is not dead, even though after I saw Norbit I wished he was dead, and so did he I’m sure.  However, Eddie Murphy’s career for all intents and purposes has been dead for a decade.  Therefore, I have made it my duty to de-thin Eddie Murphy’s career, because let’s face it, it’s deader than Rue McClanahan (too soon?)

Try thinking back to the last good Eddie Murphy movie you saw…keep thinking…I know you have to wade through the sea of black outs and hallucinogenic drug experiences…keep searching…not easy huh?  The last decent Eddie Murphy performance I can remember was in Bowfinger.  Not a masterpiece by any stretch, but leaps and bounds better than Pluto Nash.  I miss the era of the Beverly Hills Cop series, Trading Places, and my personal favorite, Coming to America.  What happened to that Eddie Murphy?  So let’s put our thinking caps on and imagine a world where Eddie Murphy would’ve stayed the fresh, raw, edgy comedian turned actor and not the douchebag who has phoned in voiceovers for a talking donkey for the last ten years.

In a world where Eddie Murphy didn’t have to rely on fat suits and flagellation to be funny:

  • Eddie Murphy would’ve made the most successful SNL spinoff movie based on the “White Like Me” sketch:
  • The 48 Hrs. franchise would’ve continued to be wildly popular, Nick Nolte would’ve been remembered as one half of the greatest buddy cop franchise instead of like this:

  • Rather than living in shame of his fetish for trannies, Eddie Murphy would’ve embraced it, marrying a tranny in a gay marriage friendly state and giving Brad and Angelina a run for their money in the child adopting department.
  • Instead of being so concerned with making family friendly movies, Eddie Murphy would return to his roots by making stand up specials in the vein of “Raw” and “Delirious.”
  • With one of his heroes still making quality work, Dave Chappelle would never have gone crazy and instead be accepting Emmys for “Chappelle’s Show.”

It’s pretty incredible that one man could make so many poor film choices in the past 15 years, especially after such a promising start.  Do I think Murphy’s career can actually be resurrected?  I guess anything is possible, but since his future projects listed on his IMDB include a theatrical version of Fantasy Island (terrible), Untitled Eddie Murphy/Romeo and Juliet Project (is nothing sacred?), and wait for it…The Misadventures of Fluffy (which I guarantee based on title alone is going to be worse than The Haunted Mansion, I Spy, and Meet Dave rolled into one), we’re all doomed.  Man, you guys have no idea how hard it was to work all of Eddie Murphy’s terrible movies into this blog.  I need a nap.  Or a scotch.  Or a scotch and then a nap.

But one has to have dreams right?


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