Posted by: thinningtheherd | August 6, 2010

#95 3D Movies

Someone might want to check on that guy, second from the end...I think he might be dead.

Species Name:  Overdoneicus  Passingfadius

Avatar was a fun ride, Captain E.O. will always be better in 3D, hell I’m even somewhat excited to see what the “Jackass” jackasses do with the technology, but the oversaturation of the theatrical market with these 3D movies is getting ri-goddamn-diculous.  I felt with the opening of Step Up 3D today in megaplex’s nationwide, it was time to put an end to this trend once and for all.

There’s probably a good reason that 3D never caught on in the 1950’s.  It was a fad that people dug for a while until they realized how fucking stupid they looked in those glasses.  Sure, times have changed, the technology is a lot better, but that isn’t the case for all 3D movies (see Clash of the Titans.)  The studios are simply getting lazy and realizing that converting a movie to 3D could potentially raise their box office revenues by a couple of gazillion dollars, but what they’re not realizing is that it’s absolutely fucking retarded to show some of these movies in 3D.  Step Up 3D, I pray to God that you fail miserably this weekend at the box office.

In a world where 3D movies didn’t exist and we could instead refocus on good plot, good characters, and good writing, we wouldn’t have these pieces of shit to look forward to:

Yogi Bear – Okay, I get that a majority of these 3D movies are being marketed towards kids because, well… they’re dumb. But Yogi Bear?  Really?  Most kids don’t have any fucking clue who Yogi Bear is.  Hell, I grew up during a time when they were still showing Yogi Bear cartoons on TV and I changed the channel when they came on.  Who would watch that shit when you could watch “Ducktales” instead.

Saw 3D – Shocking!  The Saw people are going after a piece of the the 3D pie.  Everyone knows this franchise will whore itself out to whatever fad is popular.  The most egregious part is that the Saw fad itself isn’t over and done with yet.  So get psyched to have severed limbs in the third dimension this Halloween.

Legends of the Guardians: The Owls of Ga’Hoole 3D – Ugh, fuck the 3D aspect, there’s so many other things wrong with this movie.  First off, who gives the greenlight to a movie about fucking owls?!?  What the fuck?!  I’d rather watch a snuff film with Susan Boyle in it than this piece of shite.  Secondly, nice title fuckwads, really flows off the tongue.

Tangled 3D – The only thing less interesting than watching an animated film done by Pixar or Dreamworks is watching one done by Disney.  Hey Disney, remember that time that you used to produce animated films that people cared about and moved us to tears?  Why don’t you go back to doing that instead of compensating with your use of 3D technology.  Pixar can handle both.  You can’t.

Drive Angry 3D – No one, and I mean no one, should ever have to endure Nicolas Cage in three dimensions.

I have nothing against using 3D in small doses.  There are certain movies that I think will completely benefit from the 3D techonology, like TRON: Legacy, which I believe will look incredible.  But the transparency of the studios trying to capitalize on what I maintain will be nothing more than a passing fad, is utterly pathetic.  If you assholes can’t enjoy watching a movie in 2D, maybe someone should just sew your eyelids shut cause clearly you’re not appreciating your eyeballs.

But one has to have dreams right?



  1. Dude..You didn’t like Yogi bear? WTF? That fool was the man!

    Your best line by far was: “I’d rather watch a snuff film with Susan Boyle in it than this piece of shite.” LOLing my ass off!!!

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