Posted by: thinningtheherd | June 10, 2010

#83 Kid Rock

Species Name:  EnjoysPabstBlueRibbonicus Devoidofmusicaltalentius

We interrupt your regularly scheduled program to bring you exciting news fresh off the AP wire: Kid Rock KILLS hosting the Country Music Awards!  What?  That’s not exciting to you?  Good.  It shouldn’t be.  Nothing this guy has done, since putting a feisty midget in his music video over a decade ago, should be exciting.  Did anyone even know the CMA’s were on last night?  I find it mind boggling that Kid Rock is still quasi-famous.  He’s like Jason Voorhees in those Friday the 13th movies;  just when you think he’s dead, he pops back up to stab you in the ear with some terrible bastardization of a Lynyrd Skynyrd song.

Seriously speaking though, how has this guy managed to stretch his 15 minutes of fame into a veritable epoch of suckiness?  The guy can’t sing, he can’t rap, and he can only slightly play guitar.  As much as I hate the guy, he’s ridden his white trash persona all the way to the bank.  Yeah, I still hate him for that.  Alright Kiddie, time to meet your “Rock and Roll Jesus.”

In a world where Kid Rock didn’t exist to make the wifebeater a fashion statement:

  • Young men, most likely from the South, wouldn’t be getting brainwashed by the “kick ass” sounds of Kid Rock’s “Warrior” during the National Guard propaganda film:
    • We’d have one less person in the world who supported George W. Bush.
    • People wouldn’t be left scratching their heads thinking, “Are you sure he’s from Detroit?  He seems much more like Alabama white trash than Michigan white trash.
    • MMA fighters would have a few less songs on their “Pump Up Before a Fight” mixtape.  Seriously…If you listen to Kid Rock to get “pumped,” just kill yourself, there’s no hope for you being a functioning member of society.  Now, “You’re the Best Around, ” by the virtuoso Joe Esposito, that’s a song to get pumped up by, do it Daniel San!
      • There would be one less person in the world who thinks it’s novel to get into a brawl outside a trashy strip club.
      • There would be one less person in the world who thinks it’s novel to get into a brawl outside a Waffle House in Atlanta.  Nobody gets in the way of Kid and his motherfucking waffles!
      • Pamela Anderson would’ve given sloppy 7,853rds to some other dope who enjoys a good case of hepatitis.

      Do you think the KKK listens to Kid Rock to get pumped up before a cross burning?  These are the things I think about.  And Sheryl Crow, for shame, a duet with this guy?  Come on, you’re better than that…not much better, but better than the lowest common denominator.  If someone has a way to drop some cynanide in Kid Rock’s moonshine, it would be greatly appreaciated.  Oh, and thanks for Uncle Kracker too.  Asshole.

      But one has to have dreams right?



      1. Oh, didn’t you hear? He’s “goin’ platinum.” He only mentions it in every other song! 😐

      Leave a Reply

      Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

      You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

      Google+ photo

      You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

      Twitter picture

      You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

      Facebook photo

      You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


      Connecting to %s


      %d bloggers like this: