Posted by: thinningtheherd | June 10, 2010

#83 Kid Rock


Species Name:  EnjoysPabstBlueRibbonicus Devoidofmusicaltalentius

We interrupt your regularly scheduled program to bring you exciting news fresh off the AP wire: Kid Rock KILLS hosting the Country Music Awards!  What?  That’s not exciting to you?  Good.  It shouldn’t be.  Nothing this guy has done, since putting a feisty midget in his music video over a decade ago, should be exciting.  Did anyone even know the CMA’s were on last night?  I find it mind boggling that Kid Rock is still quasi-famous.  He’s like Jason Voorhees in those Friday the 13th movies;  just when you think he’s dead, he pops back up to stab you in the ear with some terrible bastardization of a Lynyrd Skynyrd song.

Seriously speaking though, how has this guy managed to stretch his 15 minutes of fame into a veritable epoch of suckiness?  The guy can’t sing, he can’t rap, and he can only slightly play guitar.  As much as I hate the guy, he’s ridden his white trash persona all the way to the bank.  Yeah, I still hate him for that.  Alright Kiddie, time to meet your “Rock and Roll Jesus.”

In a world where Kid Rock didn’t exist to make the wifebeater a fashion statement:

  • Young men, most likely from the South, wouldn’t be getting brainwashed by the “kick ass” sounds of Kid Rock’s “Warrior” during the National Guard propaganda film:
    • We’d have one less person in the world who supported George W. Bush.
    • People wouldn’t be left scratching their heads thinking, “Are you sure he’s from Detroit?  He seems much more like Alabama white trash than Michigan white trash.
    • MMA fighters would have a few less songs on their “Pump Up Before a Fight” mixtape.  Seriously…If you listen to Kid Rock to get “pumped,” just kill yourself, there’s no hope for you being a functioning member of society.  Now, “You’re the Best Around, ” by the virtuoso Joe Esposito, that’s a song to get pumped up by, do it Daniel San!
      • There would be one less person in the world who thinks it’s novel to get into a brawl outside a trashy strip club.
      • There would be one less person in the world who thinks it’s novel to get into a brawl outside a Waffle House in Atlanta.  Nobody gets in the way of Kid and his motherfucking waffles!
      • Pamela Anderson would’ve given sloppy 7,853rds to some other dope who enjoys a good case of hepatitis.

      Do you think the KKK listens to Kid Rock to get pumped up before a cross burning?  These are the things I think about.  And Sheryl Crow, for shame, a duet with this guy?  Come on, you’re better than that…not much better, but better than the lowest common denominator.  If someone has a way to drop some cynanide in Kid Rock’s moonshine, it would be greatly appreaciated.  Oh, and thanks for Uncle Kracker too.  Asshole.

      But one has to have dreams right?

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      Responses

      1. Oh, didn’t you hear? He’s “goin’ platinum.” He only mentions it in every other song! 😐


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