Posted by: thinningtheherd | June 7, 2010

(De-Thinned) #2 Gary Coleman

Species Name:  Littlemanicus Misunderstoodius

There have been a lot of celebrity deaths over the past few weeks.  John Wooden, Rue McClanahan and Italian opera singer, Giuseppe Tadei  (Don’t know who he is?  Read a book people, jesus.)  What is the difference between these deaths and  Gary Coleman’s?  Poor little Gary was taken far before  his time whereas the others were…kind of fucking old and frankly living on borrowed time amidst the rest of the herd.  Gary Coleman, however, was only 42, and now will never live to star in the “Different Strokes” remake for CBS next fall.

Everything in Gary Coleman’s life went downhill following “Diff’rent Strokes,” his one true claim to fame.  From greedy parents stealing all his money, being referred to as “little guy” for the rest of his life, and the most egregious of all, having to star in those humiliating “Cash Call” commercials.  Truthfully, this is probably what Gary wanted.  He had people trying to take advantage of him his entire life, probably because his entire life he looked like a 12 year old boy.  That being said, I miss ya little guy, and although it might be for selfish reasons, I would like to (de) thin you from the herd.

In a world where Gary Coleman would still be what we we’re talking about, Willis:

  • Gary would’ve moved back to California and given Meg Whitman and Steve Poizner a run for their money in the race to be the next Governor of Calfornia.  2nd time would be a charm as Gary wins the coveted seat.  All Hail Governor Coleman!
  • Upon be elected, Gary Coleman would’ve kicked that bitch of an ex-wife, Shannon Brown, to the curb once and for all.  He then would marry Dakota Fanning, because we all know that broad is a 40 year old in a 16 year old body anyway.
  • Gary and Todd Bridges would star in their own reality show on VH1.
  • The people of Provo, Utah could finally give up trying to convert Gary to the Mormon faith.
  • Gary would come back on “The Insider” and finish the job he started with these annoying bitches:

Gary brought me a lot of laughs as a child even if I was equally creeped out by the white guy who played his Dad on “Diff’rent Strokes.”  Anybody else think that guy seemed a little child molester-ish?  Gary was a good man, dealt a bad hand, and misunderstood for the majority of his short life…pun intended.

But one has to have dreams right?



  1. Please thin those dumb fucks egging him on and analyzing his poor ass from the herd…

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