Posted by: thinningtheherd | June 4, 2010

#82 BP


Species Name:  Moronicus  Irresponsiblius

How many retarded dipshit oil tycoons does it take to plug up one hole at the bottom of the Gulf of Mexico?  Who the hell knows!  The one thing we do know is that BP clearly hasn’t hit that magic number yet.  These BP guys are clearly morons who have no idea what they’re doing.  For the past month, oil has been spewing from a ruptured pipe off the coast of Louisiana.  The amount of crude oil that has flooded the gulf of Mexico over that time now far exceeds that from the Exxon Valdez oil spill in 1989.  This is really horrendous people, a complete ecological and environmental disaster.  The most egregious part though is the response by the company who owns the pipeline, BP.

I don’t know if these guys are getting their suggestions from a class of preschoolers or there’s simply monkeys pounding away on typewriters in the back room at BP.  It’s really turned into a comedy of errors.  Every week they try a new “solution,” it fails, and then they try a dumber “solution.”  I’m sorry, but did you guys not have an emergency backup plan for something like this happening?  Seriously?  You installed metal pipes 3 miles down in the ocean and you didn’t take into account that they may rupture?  I mean for fuck’s sake, they’re made of metal, they’re eventually going to corrode.  Were you just hoping that you would’ve drained the well clean by that point?  I hate money hungry oil companies in general, but these assclowns are in a whole new upper echelon of hatred for me.

In a world where BP wasn’t sitting idly by while one of the greatest environmental disasters unfolds in front of our eyes:

  • Maybe the idiocy of having our country be at the will of the Middle East for oil would be rectified seeing as how the oceans surrounding the U.S. are clearly chalk full of it.
  • Competent human beings would’ve decided to use the underwater robot with diamond crusted blades as the first option to rectify the problem, or at least before the “solution” of filling the hole with garbage and golf balls.
  • James Cameron’s ego wouldn’t get any bigger since BP wouldn’t have sought out his help in the matter.  Hard to believe that his ego could get any bigger than it already is.
  • James Carville, The Ragin’ Cajun, would be a little less “ragin’.”
  • President wouldn’t be getting all this undeserved flack for not responding properly to the crisis and enduring what the press is calling, “Obama’s Hurricane Katrina.”  Oh please, mother nature was responsible for Katrina, a greedy oil company is responsible for this fuck up.  Plus, the comparison is completely unfair, Obama is genuinely concerned about solving this problem and George Bush “hates Black people.”
  • BP CEO Tony Hayward wouldn’t have had the audacity to utter this sound byte.  Aww, poor baby, you want your life back?  Sorry your fuck up is such an inconvenience for you.  If you want your life back, FIX THE FUCKING PROBLEM!!!

The most astounding part of this whole mess is that BP is not only concerned with closing up this leak, but they’re also trying to figure out a way to salvage the oil in the process.  You greedy fucking wankers.  I thought Halliburton was bad news, but fuck me sideways, you guys really seem to have emerged from the seventh circle of hell.

But one has to have dreams right?

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