Posted by: thinningtheherd | May 31, 2010

#81 The Hoff


Species Name: Don’tHasselius TheHofficus

A good rule of thumb for life is, if the Germans love it, it probably blows.  They’re have been countless examples of this throughout recent history: The Nazi’s, Shiza videos, and David Hasselhoff.  It’s true, the Hoff is good for a laugh, but when your daughter is the one who has to find you a drunken mess and rush you to the hospital, for the second time, no one’s laughing anymore.

The Hoff is Hoff his rocker.  I don’t know what’s happened to this guy since “Baywatch,” but he seriously has overstayed his welcome in society, and by the looks of of it, will probably wind up thinning himself from the herd if he keeps up this behavior.  It’s a damn shame that a veritable sex symbol to ladies and one of the “cool dudes” to the guys in the 80’s, would be reduced to a pathetic mess of a man.  No one may have further delusions of grandeur than David Hasselhoff, and since you refuse to act your age, 58, you’ve left me no choice.

In a world where The Hoff never existed to slobber over Wendy’s hamburgers:

  • Without the smooth sounds of the Hoff’s music, the now unified Germany would return to it’s two separate entities, unable to agree on any one form of popular music any longer.
  • We wouldn’t be all left wondering just what the hell made “Baywatch” so popular.  Sure, there were buxom chicks running around in swimsuits, but they weren’t even bikinis.
  • Back in 1994, O.J. Simpson’s infamous Bronco chase wouldn’t have stolen the spotlight from the Hoff’s live pay-per-view concert that was intended to reignite the Hoff’s U.S. singing career.  He never attempted another concert in the U.S.
  • KITT would have had the opportunity to play opposite a “real” actor.
  • We wouldn’t be left wondering why a man with virtually no vocal talent whatsoever was cast in some of the most renowned musicals of all time (Chicago, Jesus Christ Superstar, The Producers, and Grease)

Do you think the Hoff knows that everyone thinks of him as one big joke?  The real question is…does her care?  The answer to that is a resounding “no.”  As long as the Hoff’s name is being mentioned and he still exists in the pop culture ethos, he will continue whoring himself around at whatever opportunity.  That, or he’d drink himself into an alcohol poisoned stupor, whatever he has to make sure you don’t forget, “THE HOFF!”  Oh, Dave, you are a sad old man, and I think its time for you to take a trip on the “Coche Fantastico” to Hell.

But one has the have dreams right?

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