Posted by: thinningtheherd | May 25, 2010

#80 Remakes/Sequels

Species Name:  Unoriginalius Wasteofcelluloidicus

The summer movie season is upon us…is anybody else less than impressed with slate of big blockbusters coming to your local megaplex?  I’m pretty sick and tired of every other movie being a goddamn remake or sequel.  The problem here is two fold: one, that as long as people continue to make this recycled garbage #1 at the box office every week, Hollywood will keep pumping them out because for them there’s virtually no gamble, it’s like hitting “21” every hand.  Two, Hollywood has grown giant vaginas.  They’re too scared to take a chance on any original concepts, especially if they don’t see any viability of turning into a franchise.

That’s not to say that there aren’t production companies out there taking chances.  For every 20th Century Fox there’s a Fox Searchlight, and for every Universal there’s Focus Features.  Unfortunately though, those companies don’t have the money to make big summer blockbusters, so they’re instead relegated to making smaller, independent films, and thank God for them.

I yearn for the days of standing in line in the summer heat, waiting to watch Jurassic Park, Independence Day, and even the sappy-melodramatic Armageddon.  You know why I miss those days?  Because it was something new and fresh to look forward to at the theaters.  It would be one thing if this sequels/remakes brought something new to the table, but they simply rehash and in some cases (yes, Spider Man 3 I’m looking at you) bastardize the entire franchise.  So, when you drop your hard earned money this summer at the box office, try to stay from these ten movies, and take a chance on originality instead.

In a world where these 10 remakes/sequels didn’t exist to make you that much dumber upon seeing them:

  • Shrek 4 – I realize this movie just opened and made a gazillion dollars already, but really?  4 movies based on a 20 page kid’s book?  How much more can you bleed out of this turnip?  Thank God, this is the last one, until we have the “Donkey” spin-offs that are no doubt in the works over at Dreamworks Animation.

  • Sex and the City 2 – OMG!  Carrie and the rest of the girls are back on the search for love while getting into all kinds of shenanigans…in Abu Dhabi?  Huh?  Does it seem to anyone else like the producers/stars/gaffers wanted an all expense-paid vacation to the middle east for a few months?  I mean, me personally, I would’ve chosen Bora Bora like the awful Couples Retreat, but hey, it’s your movie.  The only problem, is it really Sex and THE CITY if they’re traversing the desert in burka’s?

  • Prince of Persia – Okay, so technically this isn’t a remake or sequel, but it is an adaptation of a video game, and we all know how those movies turn out…Oh, and nice job staying relevant, you chose a video game that hasn’t really been on anybody’s radar for a decade, good one assholes.

  • The A-Team – Now let me start off by saying, you cast Mr. T in this movie and you got my money.  You cast some ‘roided out meathead from UFC and I’m out.  Talk about trying to capitalize on the MMA craze, nobody saw through that one (sarcasm).

  • The Karate Kid – I take personal offense to this one.  As a product of 80’s films, this one might be the most blasphemous of them all.  Okay, I can get on board with Jackie Chan, martial arts master, suitable replacement for Pat Morita as Mr. Miyagi.  But Jaden Smith?  Come on!  Appealing to the “urban” market a bit there Sony?  And really, who’s gonna believe a black kid moving to China?  They don’t have black people there, silly studio heads.

  • Toy Story 3 – For the record, I’m not bashing on Pixar here.  Hell, Up had me weeping like a little girl with a skinned knee within the first ten minutes.  This company is so good at telling emotional stories through incredible animation effects.  All I’m saying is, why not quit while you’re ahead with the Toy Story franchise, don’t cheapen it.  It’s not like you guys are hurting for quality stories to tell.

  • Twilight: Eclipse – Fuck you glittery vampires.

  • Cats and Dogs: Revenge of Kitty Galore – This has to be a joke, right?

  • Step Up 3:D – Get it?  It’s the 3rd Step Up movie and it’s in 3-D.  If ever there was a movie that served absolutely no purpose being in 3-D it’s this epic pile of shit.

  • Marmaduke – Also, not technically a sequel, but whoever keeps thinking turning Sunday funnies into feature films, needs to be castrated and fed they’re own balls/clitoris.

My vote, go see The Expendables, it may have every actor whose ever done a remake/sequel but at least they’re in a movie with a remotely original concept.

But one has to have dreams right?


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