Posted by: thinningtheherd | May 21, 2010

#79 Floyd Landis


Species Name:  Cheaticus Dopius

Cycling is always a hot button issue, but when a D-bag like Floyd Landis finally admits to doping and tries to bring down one of the greatest American athletes of all time with him, Lance Armstrong, it gets under my skin.  Floyd Landis, after spending over $2 million to fight doping allegations that stripped him of his 2006 Tour de France title, finally caved yesterday and “cleared his conscience.”  That’s great Floyd, I don’t know what kind of spiritual awakening you had, but good for you.  I mean you’re still a douchebag for cheating, but it does after all seem to be the norm in sports today.  That’s why my biggest exception is not with you cheating, but that you chose to out your fellow teammates for cheating too.

Lance Armstrong is a bonified freak of nature.  The guy won the Tour seven consecutive times, and with only one nut.  It would seem like someone like that would have to be juicing to be successful but what people forget is how much the French hate Armstrong and basically require that he be tested for doping on an extremely regular basis.  Hell, at this point, the guy probably only pisses into cups. Floyd, you’re a coward, and I’m sure Armstrong and the rest of the U.S.P.S. team is ashamed to have ever called you a teammate.

In a world where Floyd Landis didn’t exist to be the Jose Canseco of cycling:

  • Floyd wouldn’t be the red-headed step-child living in the shadow of Armstrong, left with no other choice but to inject syringes into his ass.
  • Loren Mooney, the editor Bicycling Magazine, wouldn’t be left to look like an idiot for believing Landis’ lies and co-authoring Landis’ autobiography.
  • Landis wouldn’t have to endure the constant ridicule of being second fiddle to a guy with one testie.
  • Professional sports athletes would continue to get busted using PED’s because of their own insecurities.
  • Landis’ fans wouldn’t have wasted the last four years of their lives backing this guy up.
  • Cycling would be devoid of any controversy and therefore fade into complete obscurity.

Floyd Landis, you have broken the hearts of your 6 fans.  Enjoy the rest of your life, never having any credibility whatsoever.  The most retarded thing is that at least if you had confessed earlier, you would’ve saved that $2 million and could at least live a comfortable rest of your life Howard Hughes-esque solitude.  Now, you have to be pretty close to being broke, and will probably be begging to wash dishes at your local Denny’s.  Have fun with that.

But one has to have dreams right?

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