Posted by: thinningtheherd | May 18, 2010

#78 CBS

Species Name:  Lowestcommondenominaticus Elderlius

Let’s be honest here…CBS is Ambien for the elderly.  Sure, “Two and Half Men” and “Big Bang Theory” do killer ratings, but that’s only because every American between the ages of 50 and 150 has passed out before the opening titles hit the screen.  I really hate this network.

This week is the network upfronts.  Basically, it’s where the networks roll out their fall lineups in the hopes of getting advertisers to salivate over the fall slate and want to invest buco bucks.  While every network tries to put the next “LOST” or “Heroes” on television, CBS is always content with the status quo.  Or they decide to take a risk with shows like “Jericho” or “Swingtown,” but like the idea of taking a risk with those shows than ACTUALLY doing anything risky.

The most insulting part of CBS though is their pandering to the lowest common denominator in their comedy.  Shows like “Two and a Half Men” starring a drug addicted, whore screwing, fuck up, get treated like royalty and rewarded for their endless array of [insert dick, fart, viagra joke here].  While shows far more witty and creative like “The New Adventures of Old Christine” get treated like the red headed step child of CBS, or now, taken out behind the barn and put out of it’s misery as Les Moonves and his cronies just did with “Christine.”

And so help me God, if anyone comments here and lectures me about how this is a business and it’s about ratings and ad revenue…go fuck yourself, I know how this business works.  The point of the matter is, that your network should provide variety, and CBS lacks that in every sense of the word…and I think they should die.

In a world where CBS didn’t exist to be the #1 network in retirement homes around the country:

  • Chuck Lorre would have to back to being a jizz mopper at the local adult theater.
  • Andy Rooney would’ve been taken off life support and allowed to die when he should’ve…15 years ago.
  • The one show that would be universally missed from CBS would be “The Price is Right.”
  • Networks would realize that basing a sitcom off a fucking Twitter account is a downright retarded idea.
  • Network heads would know better than to backup the Brinks truck for a philandering, junkie pervert.  It sets a bad precedent for the kiddies.
  • We would never see C.S.I. – Bakersfield, SURVIVOR – The Moon, or NCIS – Who the fuck cares?

For shame CBS, for shame.  I long for the day when not only does ABC and NBC leave you in their dust, but FOX.  That’s right, the station responsible for such pieces of shit as “Dark Angel,” “Fast Lane” and “Harsh Realm,” I know FOX will one day manage to surpass you.  When get tired of Charlie Sheen, or he dies in an overdose, the latter of which seems far more likely; When there’s no more places to watch people become emaciated and eat the bugs out of each other’s hair; When people get creeped out by watching four nerds try to bang a hot chick; Ryan Seacrest will be there to piss on you, Les Moonves, from his Ivory Tower over on FOX, and all you’ll be left with is Julie Chen.  And she seems really…fascinating.

But one has to have dreams right?


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