Posted by: thinningtheherd | May 14, 2010

#77 Tyra Banks


Species Name:  Certifiacus Batshitcrazius

I honestly don’t know how it took me 76 other assholes before going after the Queen of the Crazies.  Tyra Banks is fucking nuts.  Sure, she’s beautiful, and has been for virtually her entire life, but just because you look good in a bikini does not give you free reign to do this:

Seriously.  Bitch be crazy and shit.  This should be a clear indication why not EVERYONE is deserving of a television show, let alone “America’s Next Top Model,” her own talk show and her newest endeavor just announced today…Tyra Banks…novelist.  Now hold the fucking phone.  This lady can barely put a coherent sentence together, and someone entrusted her to fill an entire book with her gibberish.  Please God let it be a picture book, because I can’t imagine this idiot is capable of much more.  But no, apparently she’s writing a book that requires more than a 2nd grade reading level.  The title of her fiction debut, “Modelland.”  Way to step out of your comfort zone Tyra.  The worst part is that even if this book is a total flop (which it won’t be, because women worship the ground Tyra walks on for some strange reason), there are still going to be two books to follow as “Modelland” is a trilogy.  Need I say more?

In a world where Tyra Banks had never opened her mouth and stuck to strutting down the runway:

  • No one, ever, in the history of the world, would get this excited about Vaseline:
  • Young girls everywhere would know better than to look up to this brand of insanity:
  • We’d be left without the greatest crusader of news since Walter Cronkite, devoid of exclusives like this:
  • The world would be a much sadder place without these two great minds discussing…you guessed…farts:
  • “The Soup” on E! would be a much short, much more boring of a show without Tyra’s endless shenanigans.
  • We’d have one less completely self-involved nut-job polluting the television airwaves.

I get Oprah…not a fan, but I get her.  She’s an intelligent, well-spoken, strong woman with a lot of compelling viewpoints to be shared.  Tyra on the other hand is too busy talking about her “fat ass” and what comes out of her “fat ass.”  Thank God Wendy Williams came around because only she could make Tyra look a little less retarded.  If I had my way, I would go back to a time when life was simple, and supermodels knew their place.  Looking good on the catwalk and shutting their damn mouths.

But one has to have dreams right?


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