Posted by: thinningtheherd | May 5, 2010

#75 TSA

Species Name:  Inferiorus Securelessius

By now, you’ve all been made aware of the dipshit who tried to detonate a car bomb in Times Square, but apparently slept through Jihad 101 at Terrorist school, not getting the correct “boom-boom” type of fertilizer.  What many of you might not be aware of, is that this fuckface almost managed to escape on a flight to his home country of Pakistan, despite being on the “No Fly List” issued to all Transportation Security Administration (TSA) employees at every airport.  The plane was turned around as it was taxiing for departure, and the terrorist, Faisal Shahzad, was apprehended by authorities.

Great!  We caught the bad guy.  One down, a billion more to go.  Seriously, these terrorists are like gremlins, if you spill Jihadi Juice on them, they multiply, and no falafel and hummus after midnight, got it?  Here’s the thing, if we stand any chance of fighting this never-ending threat, we need to be able to trust in TSA to be one of the last lines of defense, and clearly, they cannot be trusted to do that.  So, with that being said, I think it’s time to thin TSA from the herd and go back to the drawing board and come up with a new way to protect American lives.

In a world where TSA didn’t exist and we had a more competent, well trained, confidence-inspiring version of them:

  • This new organization would go through thorough background checks and training programs before being allowed to step foot on the job.
  • Any individual who wouldn’t be able to spot a fake bomb (TSA at LAX missed 75% of them) being brought in by undercover agents, would be put to death by firing squad (Hows that for motivation to stay on top of your shit?)
  • Employees of the new program wouldn’t be allowed to abuse their power by treating everyday, wholesome, non-suicide bomber passengers like shit, justifying it as “doing whatever they have to do to protect us.”  How’s that going for you guys?
  • Every gate of an airport would employ one Jack Bauer to be the ultimate, last line of defense.
  • Little old ladies won’t be detained for complete body cavity searches.  Look at them, they can’t remember what they had for breakfast, they’re not carrying out a elaborate terrorist plot…unless of course Al Qaeda is really hard up.
  • Security measures like the full body scan, removing your shoes, and only allowing midget sized bottles of liquid onto flights would be measures put into effect BEFORE an attempted terrorist plot.  Obviously after it’s already been tried, these terrorists are gonna come up with another technique assholes!

I love this country.  I really do.  I didn’t love it so much when Bush was President, but now despite our economy being in the shitter, corrupt bankers getting away with murder, and terrorists still trying to off us at every chance they can, I still love this country.  But come on Obama, something has to be done about TSA.  Seriously, I’d feel more safe with Corky the Retard from “Life Goes On” checking our passports.  I know for a fact that you’re a frequent reader of the blog Barack, so now that you’ve dealt with health care, feel free to take any of my suggestions to clean up TSA.

But one has to have dreams right?



  1. great points and freaking hilarious, especially the cartoon at the bottom!

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