Posted by: thinningtheherd | April 15, 2010

#71 Larry King

Species Name:  Senioriticus Dementius

Although Larry King is recently in the news for his eighth marriage ending in divorce, that is not the reason I am thinning him from the herd.  However, come on, eight times?!  Seriously Larry, what do you do, bang one of these broads and instead of lighting up a post-coital cigarette, you pull out a post-coital engagement ring, drop your fragile old bones to one knee and propose?  Give up the marriage thing, clearly it doesn’t suit you.  No, but the real reason I’m thinning Larry King from the herd is because I think it’s time.  Not only is it time to retire from primetime cable news, but to retire from life.  You had a good run, now pack it up grandpa.

Has anybody watched “Larry King Live” recently?  The guy is clearly on another planet, getting names wrong, facts in the stories wrong, and sounded like he has all around dementia.  Look, I realize the guy is a national treasure, a very well-respected journalist, but he should’ve gone out on the top of his game instead of being the Washington Wizards Michael Jordan of CNN.  I mean for christ’s sake, he asked the sister of Roman Polanski’s rape victim, how she could bear looking at the man “who brutally killed your sister.”  Leaving the lady confused and to respond, “Uh, Roman Polanski didn’t kill my sister.”  Get it together Larry, or better yet, let’s just take you behind the barn and shoot you.

In a world where a Larry King didn’t exist to make everyone wonder, “wait, that guy’s still alive?”:

  • Television would be devoid of crotchety old men in suspenders.
  • We’d have one less man being “inappropriate” on television, according to Carrie “the Voice of our Generation” Prejean:
  • We would’ve missed out on Snoop Dogg smoking Larry King out and taking him to Roscoe’s Chicken and Waffles to satisfy their munchies:
  • No one would live by the mantra, “8th times a charm” when it comes to marriage, except for maybe Elizabeth Taylor.
  • Larry wouldn’t be around to confused about whether “Seinfeld” being cancelled or not, although Jerry Seinfeld does act like a complete douche in this clip, but still:
  • We’d be without nonsensical ramblings like this…drunk or devoid of sanity?  You be the judge:
  • We possibly would’ve had a competent news man interviewing arguably the greatest band of all time, the Beatles, who would’ve gotten their names right:

Some of you are probably going to bitch and moan that I’m badgering a poor, old man.  Well boo fucking hoo.  Look, I have no problem with old people being forgetful, it’s a part of life, all I’m saying is that those people shouldn’t be on national television, that’s all.  There would be much less awkwardness and embarrassment for Larry King, CNN and the interviewees.  Unfortunately, I think we’re going to probably watch Larry King die on live TV at some point because CNN doesn’t have the heart to take him off the air, and the guy has too much goddamn alimony to pay to afford to leave that job.

But one has to have dreams right?



  1. Totally agree.

    Though he has a buffoonish charm.

    His interview style is like a blind man, without a guide dog or walking stick trying to find his way out of a subway station by relying on the charity of others.

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