Posted by: thinningtheherd | April 12, 2010

#70 Justin Bieber

Species Name: Prepubescenticus Lesbianius

We all have childhood crushes. Winnie Cooper from The Wonder Years was my dream girl when I was eleven. What a consider to be a relatively normal crush for a prepubescent child. But this Justin Bieber kid? Really? Please, you have to have noticed that he the kid looks kind of lezzie right?

Fine. Teenage girls can be confused sometimes. I mean they were all in love with Adam Lambert too, but we know how that turned out. I just don’t understand the appeal of this kid. Apparently he was discovered on YouTube. That makes sense to me, because he seems like every other half-assed, untalented, white boy trying to be Usher on YouTube, but someone said, “this lesbian has got the IT factor! I’m gonna make him a star.” Well, fuck me sideways if that isn’t exactly what happened.

I turned on SNL last weekend, a show that offers few laughs or even chuckles these days, but I knew Tina Fey was hosting and as a huge 30 Rock fan, I thought I’d give it a shot. When they announced, “and musical guest…Justin Bieber,” all I could think was, “who the fuck is this kid, and why the fuck is he on Saturday Night Live?” When his first musical number came on, I was dumbfounded. This is who the teenage girls are having their first impure thoughts of? Uggghh…let’s just do this already.

In a world where Justin Bieber didn’t exist to baffle people with his lesbian appeal:

  • We’d have one less thing to blame Canada for.
  • The members of NAMBLA would be very, very sad.

  • People would realize that the idea of a 16 year old sexually ambiguous whiteboy rapper going platinum is absolutely insane.
  • We could all remember the days of when real heartthrobs graced the pages of Tiger Beat, like Scott Baio, Jonathan Brandis, and the New Kids on the Block.

  • Bieber wouldn’t be around to complain, via Twitter mind you, about his most recent People Magazine cover photo not being flattering. Shut the hell up kid, you should count your lucky stars you’re on any magazine cover.
  • Bieber’s poor backup dancers wouldn’t feel the immense amount of shame they do as backup dancers for some 16 year old asshole who can’t even vote!
  • We wouldn’t all be left wondering, “does this kid have a forehead?”

Justin Bieber, you could’ve stayed in Canada, and played hockey like a good Canadian, but no, you had to chase your Justin Timberlake-ish dreams. Well kid, you’re no JT, cause at least that dude has a good voice, you just sound like a Mickey Mouse Club reject. Enjoy it while it lasts. Snort as much blow as you can get your hands on, and bang as many backup dancers as possible, because soon enough your window will close, then it’s back to flipping burgers at a Tim Horton’s in Ontario.

But one has to have dreams right?



  1. Nicely said! This kid is Sooooooooooo Gay!

  2. Im not even a Bieber fan, but I don’t understand the hate on him. Maybe its people being jealous? I’d give my left nut to be given the same opportunity this kid has, but to each his own I guess.

    Maybe its because I don’t go around checking out his twitter and reading about his People Magazine coverage like you do?

  3. Fuck Bieber – I will see him in hell

  4. Wii icon!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! behind !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  5. hey u guys that make fun of jb i dont care if u do well im his biggest ever fan im tryin 2 say if u dont like justin bieber keep ur feelings bout justin 2 ur self plz thx

  6. oi justin
    eu só do brasil só um menino gosto da sua musica ela eu masomo para mim tenho 8 anos é iso e só

  7. u know what?!I really can’t understand someone that hate the other one!!and the people that hate him are DEFINITELY jealous!! I mean COME ON…he is just 16 and this much famous!!like I said they are DEFINITELY jealous!!(by the way I’m not such a big fan,but I really like him!!!)

    • Stay in school.

  8. While I agree that he does not belong in the public eye and upheld as a hearthrob, I do believe that he has some talent. Unfortunately for him, his talent is dying, for he is going through puberty, finally.

    But yes, I do wish he would get rid of the lesbian haircut. I’m tired of people saying that I look like Justin Bieber. I don’t.

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