Posted by: thinningtheherd | April 8, 2010

#69 The iPad

Species Name:  Wasteofmoneyus Pointlessasshititicus

I love Apple products.  I bought my first Mac product about four years ago, my iBook laptop and at that very moment I fell in love with Steve Jobs and his beautiful pieces of machinery.  That was until the announcement of the iPad.  I know I’m not the only one who thinks this thing is retarded right?  I mean yeah it looks sleek, but you’re basically paying $500 for a computer with no keyboard, only 16 GB hard drive, and you have to re-buy all the apps you already bought for your iPhone.  Fuck you Steve Jobs, fuck you right in the face.

I do have iPhone envy, that is no secret to those who know me.  I have been banished to the world of shitty smartphones for so long, as a Verizon customer, and have endured the flaming dogturd that is the Blackberry Storm for the last year and a half.  So you can imagine my excitement when I tuned into the Apple keynote a few months back, hoping Steve Jobs was going to announce that Verizon would start carrying the iPhone.  Well, he didn’t, and instead he presented us with mega iPhone.  Seriously, it’s the Zack Morris version of the iPhone, except that you can’t make phone calls on it.  Stupid.

In a world where the iPad didn’t exist to make Apple nerds cream their nerdy pants:

  • People who rushed out to be one of the 300,000 to buy their iPad this week wouldn’t have had to spend the rest of the week justifying their purchase to their friends, and in turn would have been far more productive with their life.
  • You morons wouldn’t have bought all the same apps that you already bought for your iPhone.  Don’t you see?  Steve Jobs wins when you do that.
  • For half the money of an iPad, you could have gotten a netbook and would have been able to play games, look at porn, and write your thesis all at the same time.
  • You sad, pathetic sacks of shit who bought this piece of crap would save yourself the embarrassment of taking it to your local Starbucks to play with, thinking everyone would think you’re awesome.  Well they don’t, they just think you’re a douchebag.
  • The iPad would’ve remained as just a mildly amusing MadTV sketch:
  • People would realize that just because there is a lowercase “i” in front of the name of the a product, it can still be a smegma filled piece of cock shit.

That’s right.  I just used the term “cock shit,” deal with it.  Bottom line, this product was dumb when it was unveiled back in January, and it’s still dumb now.  Unfortunately that doesn’t change the fact some of you morons couldn’t wait to get your grubby paws all over it to hurry up and watch “Cum-Gargling Naked Sluts 12” in glorious HD.  Just do us all a favor, stay in your mom’s basement…forever.

My favorite is the guy behind them, applauding their continual push towards maintaining their virginity.

But one has to have dreams right?


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