Species Name: Petiphilius Wetdreamicus
After spending the last few days sipping tropical drinks on the beaches of Mazatlan, it’s time to raise my blood pressure a little bit. Who better to get my blood boiling over than Miley fucking Cyrus? If I had gone to a fortune teller back in 1993 and they told me that the spawn of the asshole who sang “Achy Breaky Heart” was going to be one of the most famous people in the world, I would’ve demanded my money back and smashed your crystal ball in your face.
This tween tart has skyrocketed to popularity by being whored out on the Disney channel since she was 14 when “Hannah Montana” premiered. For some strange reason the kiddies ate that shit up, and now the rest of us have to deal with this twat for years to come. I have nothing against child stars mind you. Hell I love to see the Luke Brower from “Growing Pains” turn into Leonardo DiCaprio, the movie superstar. But for every Leo, there is also a Kirk “I love Jesus” Cameron.
The main difference between these two is that at the end of the day, talent is what’s going to carry you forward, and frankly, Miley ain’t got any. Although, apparently the studios could care less about her talent level right now and are simply capitalizing on her immense popularity, as exhibited by her new piece of shit looking movie, The Last Song.
If that’s not reason enough to thin her from the herd, there’s plenty more where that came from.
In a world where Miley Cyrus didn’t exist to dance on a stripper pole at 16, while her proud papa cheers her on:
- The Hollywood Foreign Press would’ve been able to come to their senses before nominating Miley for a Golden Globe for her song from the movie, Bolt.
- Washed up father’s wouldn’t exploit their daughters to try and revitalize their own careers and sense of relevancy.
- Bret Michaels would be slightly less of a joke to the rest of the world because he wouldn’t have recorded a duet cover of “Every Rose has it’s Thorn” with Miley Cyrus. Bret, stick to contracting venereal diseases on VH1 dating shows.
- Billy Ray wouldn’t have made the boneheaded move of letting his daughter participate in a topless photo shoot for Vanity Fair:
- Without Miley, we wouldn’t be able to look forward to her eventual Britney-esque meltdown that is sure to come.
- Women everywhere wouldn’t be ashamed of their love of Sex and the City, if Miley Cyrus wasn’t in Sex and the City 2 as herself. That’s right ladies, suck on that.
- The term “tween” may never have been coined, and the world would be a much better place.
Look if Miley Cyrus was a) talented, b) beautiful, or c) both, I would have no problem with the broad, but since she lacks any discernible talent except that her one hit wonder Dad had some important connections, she deserves to perish like all the untalented people working in entertainment today. The only reason she is popular at all is because her audience is too dumb to know any better. If they turned off the Disney Channel and picked up a book every once in a while, they would realize what a waste of life “Hannah Montana” or Miley Cyrus, or whoever the fuck she is today , truly is. Then she could be burned at the stake.
But one has to have dreams right?