Posted by: thinningtheherd | March 18, 2010

#64 Jesse James

Species Name: Lowlifeicus Whitetrashius

I’ve always thought this guy was a freaking tool.  The guy is the epitome of white trash with his West Coast Choppers, his Monster Garage, and his all around peckerwood persona.  Not to mention his affinity towards banging dirty porn stars, his ex-wife being porn mega-star Janine Lindemulder.  Look, just cause guys like to masturbate to porn stars doesn’t mean we’d ever want to actually bang one.  The thought of how many guys you would be eskimo brothers with and the hotbed of VD that has to be present in that kooch is enough to make any guy’s penis implode.

Jesse James seemed to have cleaned up his act when he married America’s sweetheart, Sandra Bullock, back in 2005, but if you ask me…I never believed it.  I know that occasionally opposites attract, but something about those two just didn’t seem to work.  And I was right apparently because Jesse James just confessed to having an affair with Michell “Bombshell” McGee for about a year.

Look, I’m not a huge fan of Sandra Bullock’s acting, I think she’s average at best, but the girl has never been anything but gracious for her good fortune, which I respect a lot.  Sandra Bullock is a wholesome, salt of the Earth, Southern Belle who loved her husband unconditionally.  Well, almost unconditionally as Sandy has packed up her shit and moved out.  Whether she goes back to him remains to be seen.  Sandy, I’ll make the decision for you, by making it so the douchebag never existed.

In a world where Jesse James didn’t exist to play herpes Russian roulette with his cock:

  • The Inland Empire’s wardrobe would disappear with no West Coast Choppers apparel to wear.
  • Nascar and NHRA would lose one of their “gods.”
  • We wouldn’t be able to watch Jesse James is a Dead Man, and wonder, “fuck when is this asshole going to actually be dead.”
  • The Inland Empire would stop watching television with no reruns of  Monster Garage or West Coast Choppers on tv.
  • Jesse wouldn’t be around to take the heat off of Tiger.
  • Sandra Bullock would have another shot at marrying someone who wasn’t a piece of shit.

No one should be that surprised that A) Jesse James cheated on Sandra or B) it was with a broad that looked like this:

So while Sandra Bullock poured her heart out to her husband during her acceptance speech at the Oscars:

This fucking guy had the fucking nerve to continue texting with the human tattoo canvas. You know what? Jesse James and Michelle McGee are much more suited for one another, so Sandy, grab your Oscar, tie a bindle to it, and mosey on down to the next biker bar.

But one has to have dreams right?



  1. What a dumb mother fucker….

  2. If I had a motorcycle, I’d run over him. What an idiot. Sandy is way too good for that pos. He’s pond scum.

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