Posted by: thinningtheherd | March 16, 2010

#63 Earthquakes


Species Name:  Devastaticus Scaryasshitius

Earthquakes, hurricanes, or tornadoes all blow.  But which natural disaster would you least like to be caught in?  Many people would say hurricanes because they’re relentless, can last for hours and completely demolish your entire life.  Tornadoes, although not usually as long in duration, can cause just as much damage.  But for me, a resident of California whose gone through their fair share of earthquakes, I can say…fuck earthquakes.

With the recent catastrophes in Haiti and Chile, the 4.4 earthquake we had in the Los Angeles this morning seems like some real pussy ass shit, which it was, but who knows what the future holds.  See?  That’s the fucked up thing about earthquakes.  You get absolutely no warning.  At any given moment a 9.0 earthquake can hit and BOOM! you’re fucked.  Those of you from the Midwest and South who have experienced plenty of hurricanes and/or tornadoes may say, “well, ignorance is bliss.  Consider it a blessing you don’t get the foreknowledge of a disaster you can do nothing about.  No matter what, it’s coming and it’s going to destroy everything you’ve worked for.”  Look, I don’t want to split hairs here, all natural disasters suck, but at the end of the day, I would like the advance warning so I could get the fuck out of dodge.  Earthquakes don’t give you that luxury.

Instead, earthquakes wind up hitting in the wee hours of the early morning when you’re in the deepest possible sleep.  You’re jolted awake, discombobulated and confused why your morning wood doesn’t realize the world is about to end.  Then by the time you remember what to do to keep yourself safe, it’s over, leaving a trail of destruction in it path.  But the absolute worst part is…the millions of aftershocks that come afterward that keep you from regaining any sense of normalcy in your life for the next 6 months.

In a world where earthquakes didn’t exist to scare the shit out of us:

  • Third world countries would have one less thing to worry about threatening their existence.
  • People in the San Fernando Valley wouldn’t get that beachfront property they’ve been waiting for.
  • Snake Pliskin wouldn’t have had to Escape from L.A.
  • The plethora of other disasters like tsunami’s, avalanches, and landslides would be nearly non-existent.
  • John Cusack wouldn’t have been able to be the greatest limo driver of all time.
  • The end of the Mayan calendar in 2012 would be far less impressive.
  • We never would have had this piece of nostalgic fun:
  • People, everywhere, could sleep naked in peace.

Although I would love to see earthquakes erradicated, I am now kind of nervous that I may have angered the gods by writing this blog.  So if the big one hits sometime in the next 48 hours, I take full responsibility.  Just make sure to have lots of canned food, bottled water, and a good weapon because you never know, it could turn into a zombie apocalypse.  When it rains it pours man.

But one has to have dreams right?

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