Posted by: thinningtheherd | March 10, 2010

#61 Lindsay Lohan

Species Name:  Hotmessicus Onthevergeofdeathius

I’m sure it seems strange that I haven’t thinned everyone’s favorite firecrotch from the herd by now.  Truthfully, the reason I haven’t is that to me, Lindsay is like the homeless guy on the freeway offramp.  Neither are going anywhere, both are alcoholics and neither are worth my time.  That was until I heard that Lindsay Lohan is suing E*Trade for this Superbowl commercial:

Lindsay was up in arms because she felt that E*Trade was taking a shot at her and her recent troubles with alcohol.  Dina Lohan, mother of Lindsay, told the New York Post that Lindsay broke down after seeing the commercial, “She said, ‘Mommy, help me. This is wrong. How can they do this?'”  How dare you Lindsay!  How dare you interrupt my mourning of an actual movie star like Corey Haim.  And what?  You’re suing E*Trade for $100 million dollars?!  You’ve lost your fucking shit lady!  All they did was use the name Lindsay!  There are a billion other dipshit morons named Lindsay in this world, where do you get off thinking you were still socially relevant enough for E*Trade to give a flying fuck about you?

In a world where Lindsay Lohan didn’t exist to try and pathetically hold onto what little fame she has left:

  • Lindsay would be spared the humiliation of doing lines off the shaft of her dealer’s dick for her next fix.
  • We wouldn’t all be left yearning for the days when Lindsay was a precocious, young ingenue starring in quality films like Freaky Friday, The Parent Trap, and Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen.  What a thespian.
  • Lindsay would’ve been spared the embarrassment of having her 2009 movie Labor Pains, originally slated for a theatrical release, barely find its way onto ABC Family as a TV movie.
  • If we’re lucky not only would Lindsay never have existed, but her good for nothing parents that try to pimp out their children at every opportunity would not have existed either.
  • Lindsay would never have been able to be honored with 2 Razzies for “Worst Actress” in 2007 for her split personality work in the abysmal failure that was I Know Who Killed Me.

You don’t understand!  You coulda had class Lindsay.  You coulda been a contender.  You could’ve been somebody, instead of a bum, which is what you are.  Stop drawing this out Lindsay.  Trust me, there’s no way in hell you’re winning that lawsuit.  Instead of investing all that money on legal fees, just buy yourself a giant 8-ball and go to town.  While you’re at it, smoke a lot meth, shoot some heroin, and drink a case of Jack Daniels.  I heard that’s a great combination.

But one has to have dreams right?



  1. What?? That’s ridiculous. When I saw that commercial, I didn’t think “Oh, they’re taking a shot at Lindsay Lohan.” I didn’t even know she was having problems with alcohol, but then again, I practically live under a rock when it comes to celebrities. :/

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