Posted by: thinningtheherd | February 24, 2010

#57 Evgeni Plushenko

Species Name:  Pinkocommicus Soreloserius

Never, and I mean never, did I actually think I’d be writing a blog about a figure skater, let alone a vodka-swilling, hammer and sickle supporting, hit every branch falling down the ugly tree freaking Russian figure skater.  But Evgeni Plushenko makes me remember why we hate these commie bastards.  This guy epitomizes the term “sore loser” and is a grade-A “ничтожество”  That’s Russian for douchebag.

For those of you not privy to the recent controversy in men’s figure skating, congratulations, because you clearly have more of a life than me.  That aside, I’ll fill you in.  Plushenko lost out on gold last week to an American by the name of Evan Lysacek.  And it’s not like the guy didn’t fucking medal, he took silver, which any other athlete would’ve been thrilled with, but not this dick canker.  Plushenko couldn’t wait to open his mouth about how he deserved to win gold over Lysacek.  He claimed that no skater who didn’t perform a quad in their routine deserved to win a gold.  Now, I have no fucking clue what all that figure skating jargon means cause it’s all Greek to me, but what I do know is that an impartial group of judges decided that Lysacek had a better program then Plushenko, and therefore awarded him the gold medal, get over it.

The newest wrinkle in the saga is that Plushenko’s website now claims he won a platinum medal in Vancouver.  Wait, so now this fucktard thinks he deserves better than  gold and awarded himself a fake medal?  Even if this was a joke, which I’m sure it wasn’t since this guy is seriously butt-hurt over the matter, have some fucking class and dignity and be gracious of the fact that you won a silver medal considering the fact that you bobbled through your routine anyway.  Asshole.

In a world where Evgeni Plushenko didn’t exist to cry all the way back to Mommy Russia:

  • We wouldn’t have to worry about a potential nuclear war being started over a figure skating rivalry.  Man would that be embarrassing.
  • The MIRACLE ON ICE would still be one of the greatest sports moments of all time.  Suck on that Russia.
  • Plushenko wouldn’t have to fear being waterboarded with vodka by President Medvedev when he returns for being such a fucking loser.
  • NBC would still choose to show ice dancing instead of a real sport during primetime.
  • Evan Lysacek wouldn’t have the chance to beat Plushenko on his home soil in the 2014 games.  Prepare to get your face triple-axeled.  Wow, that’s the most passionate I’ve ever been about figure skating.  I need to go pound a twelve pack and punch something in the face, stat.
  • We wouldn’t be able to watch this prick commit career suicide on a global stage.
  • He would still be more of a joke than Chazz Michael Michaels.
  • Plushenko may not exist but his massive ego will live on forever.

In closing, I would like to say, get the fuck over yourself Evgeni Plushenko.  Maybe it’s time to hang up the skates and your sequins outfits.  You are an embarrassment to the Olympics, sports in general and your own country.  Your lack of class and dignity makes me want to kick you in your cod piece.

But one has to have dreams right?



  1. Loved this post! It was so right-on and super funny! And that first picture of Plushenko is freaking hilarious! I literally laugh out loud whenever I see it! LOL!

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