Posted by: thinningtheherd | February 8, 2010

#51 Frank Caliendo

Species Name:  Shutthefuckupicus Onenotecomicus

Would someone please stop telling this guy that he’s funny?  “Hey Frank, do that John Madden impression again, it’s hilarious!”  Stop it!  Stop it!  Stop it!  It’s bad enough I need to watch this guy every week during the FOX NFL Pre-game show, but if people keep stroking this guy, telling him he’s funny, he’s eventually going to get his own show.  [Listens to earpiece] “What’s that?  He had his own show?  How is that possible?  What station was it on?  Oh, TBS, oh that’s okay, nobody watches that station anyway.”  Seriously Frank, your show got canceled, take the hint and fucking go away.  For those of you not privy to the genius that is Frank Caliendo, exhibit A:

Now don’t get me wrong.  Doing impressions can be funny…for about 35 seconds.  The problem with comedians doing impressions is that once the initial novelty of going, “hey that guy does a pretty good De Niro” wears off, you’re bored.  That is Frank’s problem.  He’ll do a 4-5 minute sketch doing the same impression the entire time.  If the writing isn’t good at that point, your spot on impersonation is just simply frivolous.  And trust me, Frank’s impressions have always been compensating for a lack of funny writing.  Comedy is fucking hard, but when it’s good, it’s incredible, and when it’s not, it’s Frank Caliendo.

In a world where Frank Caliendo choked while eating some buffalo wings:

  • We wouldn’t have to listen to Terry Bradshaw’s hyena laugh in regards to Frank’s hilarious brand of comedy.  If Terry Bradshaw is cracking up at your jokes, you’re doing something wrong, that guy doesn’t even know where he is half of the time.
  • Nobody gives two flying fucks about your “cold hard picks” to begin with so nothing would change there.  The only one I want making picks are guys who actually played/coached football, not someone who looks like a football.
  • MAD TV would’ve still sucked.
  • There would be one less asshole doing a George Bush impression.  We get it, he sounds like a moron when he talks.
  • Comedians who do impressions would be relegated to only be on radio.  There’s something jarring watching a fat guy do Jim Rome.  A good impression, I just don’t want to watch him do it, I only want to hear him do it for 35 seconds on the radio:

All I can say is, thank god the Super Bowl is on CBS this year so when we’re all three sheets to the wind on PBR and processed cheese, cause this is ‘merica, we wouldn’t be forced to smash our TV’s when Frank Caliendo’s bulbous face appeared on it to ruin our drunken football watching experience.  Everyone enjoy the Super Bowl, and I’m sure someone will do something really retarded during the game which will give me a fresh topic to bitch and moan about on Monday.

But one has to have dreams right?



  1. He does look like a football! That’s hilarious and Frank is not! Well done and I was def three sheets to the wind superbowl sunday…go ‘merica!

  2. While I agree that Frank really overdoes his two main impressions: Bush and Madden, and his jokes aren’t that great, it’s sort of fun to see him get a lot of impressions right.

    I remember being surprised by his Robin Williams impression, which was bang on, and his Jeff Goldblum was also impressive.

    Anyway, I like your blog, and I’ll check back in frequently!

  3. Way late to the game here but was wondering this morning “how does this act continue to maintain its velocity?” I met (well sat next to) Caliendo in a green room prior to a TV appearance on one of those variety morning shows. He was ungroomed, unshaven and wore green baggy vinyl sweat pants and a red off brand polo shirt, seemed to have a curious air about him. Kind of like “I’m a miserable slob but I’m still more important than being here.” He was called on stage, ripped off some Madden, Bush, Clinton impersonations and disappeared.

    I remember thinking; “that guys got talent but he’s no Rich Little.” Remember that guy? He was kind of the unofficial member of the Rat Pack, always dressed to the nines. He was also an impressionist but he was also an entertainer, had class and engaged his audience.

    Caliendo is “spot on” for about 2 minutes, once a month, if the situation is just right. Yet shows are clambering to squeeze this guy into the format. “Hey do this guy, hey do that guy”

    You can watch a pig to an impression but it’s still a pig.

    I’ve been force fed by friends his Vegas act and failed TV show and I tried… Yet I just couldn’t even crack a smile. Laugh? Not even close.

    Listen, I’m the guy that doesn’t say anything if there is nothing nice to say… But help me here, why is this guy funny to so many people? Why does every sports show trip all over themselves to get this guy to do the same act at over and over and over.

    Why is listening to Caliendo read letter like Charles Barkley better than Charles Barkley reading the letter? It can’t be the writing or the comedy because that’s where the act fails and gets so tiresome, and in fact usually “runs out” after 20-30 seconds and then turns into silly, sophomoric dribble polished off with his own laughter in lieu of the laugh track piped in on recorded shows that are supposed to be funny but aren’t.

    Give the guy credit though… Being from Wisconsin, he knows how to “milk it for everything he can”

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