Posted by: thinningtheherd | February 2, 2010

#50 Ticketmaster

Species Name: Exploiticus Greedicus

The term “evil empire” was originally used by Ronald Reagan during the Cold War in reference to the Soviet Union and their unrelenting arms race.  Well that was the 1980’s and times have changed a bit.  The new evil empire is not the Taliban, it’s not the GOP, it’s not Goldman-Sachs (although…fuck those guys), no the true evil empire of the 21st century is none other than Ticketmaster.

You know that warm feeling you get inside of you when your favorite band/comedian/sports team is coming to your city?  Hooray!  I finally get to see them in person!  This is going to be amazing.  You log on to Ticketmaster to purchase your ticket.  Wow, $60 to see the Barenaked Ladies?!  Oh well…it’s a once in a lifetime opportunity.  You hit purchase, then here’s where the real fun starts.  In addition to your ticket cost and tax, you get hit with a “service charge.”  Fine, whatever, Ticketmaster is the middle man, so they get the right to charge a service charge, although for a service charge, it would be nice to actually get serviced…you know what I’m sayin’ (winks).  That has to be it though right?  Nope.  Next they hit you with a “Facility Charge?”  Wait…what?  Shouldn’t that be included in the price of the ticket?  I don’t get it.  Oh well, I just have to keep telling myself…it’s the Barenaked Ladies we’re talking about here.  Fuck me! A “Processing Charge?”  I just paid a service charge and now I have to pay a processing charge.  What the hell is the difference?!  Now I’m really starting to Hulk out.  But man oh man, the icing on this cake of shit, is the most insulting one of all, the “Convenience Charge.”  Listen assholes, any extra charge I have to pay is anything but convenient.  Get your head out of your asses!

When all is said and done, your $60 Barenaked Ladies ticket is now $90.  That’s right, $30 in service fees.  This really chaps my ass, and the worst part is, there’s not a goddamn thing we can do about it since these douchebags have a monopoly on the ticketing world.  Well there is one thing we can do, cathartically imagine a world where these tyrants of transaction charges didn’t exist.

In a world where Ticketmaster didn’t exist to ruin everyone’s fun in life:

  • Bands like Pearl Jam wouldn’t have to invest so much time in taking down these monsters and could instead focus on rocking our faces off.

  • Live Nation would have to go too.  Beware!  They merged with Ticketmaster, feeding the evil empire machine that much more.
  • You wouldn’t have to sell one of your kidneys to try to go to a music festival like Coachella:

  • You wouldn’t feel it necessary to take a rape shower after seeing the above tickets skyrocket from $80 in service charges!  It’s a piece of paper!  That’s all you’re doing is printing out a goddamn piece of paper!!!
  • I wouldn’t turn to fits of rage when that timer tells me I have 3 minutes to purchase my tickets.  I had to blow a tranny in a dumpster to be able to pay for these goddamn tickets, would you please calm the fuck down with the ticking clock?  Christ!
  • You wouldn’t need a PhD to decipher those encrypted word boxes, you know what I’m talking about:

Seriously?  What the fuck does that even say?  Would it kill you guys to put that shit in English at least.  I know it’s for security purposes here, but what’s the deal?  Are you afraid that these are the codes that could possibly cause Cyberdyne to go online and bring about Judgment Day?  The unfortunate thing about Ticketmaster is that they are Cyberdyne, they’re the machine.  Once they’ve drained us of all our money, they are going to send T-1000’s to kill us all.  Where’s John Connor when we need him?

But one has to have dreams right?



  1. Hey, I realize that ticketmaster is the focus here and it shouldn’t matter which band you use as an example, but seriously you know how I know your gay? Barenaked Ladies! That’s how…

    • Hahaha I hope you realize that was the point of using Barenaked Ladies as an example…I’ve never and will never actually go to a Barenaked Ladies concert…All for the sake of humor of my friend.

  2. I knew things were going downhill when you log in to buy tickets at the exact time of sale (i.e. 9:00 AM, I’m on at 8:59) and you are in the rafters. When they first started selling tix on the net, you could get front row if you were online at the onsale time. Now, they feed those great seats to the scalpers, oops, ticket agencies. You make a good point, it might not be so bad if the tickets weren’t already at scalper prices. Good post.

  3. LOVE the allusions to the rape shower and the encrypted text boxes!

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