Posted by: thinningtheherd | January 27, 2010

#48 Movie Theater Twats

Species Name:  Disregardius Reprehensibus

Few experiences rival that of going to the movies.  Getting to see a film you’ve eagerly been anticipating the release of for weeks.  Getting to watch it on a 50ft screen, in THX sound, allowing yourself to get totally immersed in the cinematic wonderland.  That is until some asshole comes and sits right next to you with the morbidly obese tub of popcorn and proceeds to chomp their way, mouth open, through the entire movie.  I know I complain about a lot of shit, but I know for a fact that I’m not alone on this one.  The worst part too, is that this phenomenon tends to happen in a virtually empty theater.  I don’t know if I give off some pheromone that draws obnoxious people near me only to annoy the piss out of me and completely ruin my theatrical experience.

And if only it stopped with eating popcorn, but alas, the list goes on in regards to the homicide inducing annoyances people commit in a movie theater, from cellphone obsessions, to blatant talking, leaving me no choice but to hurry up and get rich so I can build that personal theater in my house already.

Now that's the way to watch a movie...dressed to go to a wedding.

In a world where these fucktards weren’t under the impression that they were in their living room watching a movie:

Generic picture of a woman on her cell phone in a theater? Yeah, we got that B-Roll.

  • Theaters wouldn’t have the need for fourteen messages about turning off your goddamn cell phone.  Inevitably though some moron’s phone is still bound to go off and cause a disturbance.  Seriously, you’re not that important, unless your grandma is dying, turn off the phone asshole.
  • Rational people would understand that a movie like Schindler’s List isn’t meant to be prime make-out material.  Get a room.  No wait, just die.
  • We wouldn’t have to deal with the prick who thinks it’s socially acceptable to bring Indian food into the theater to eat.  If you want to smell like curry, that’s your deal, that doesn’t mean everyone else does though pal.
  • I wouldn’t be forced to make up the excuse of how I have explosive Irritable Bowel Syndrome as a way to dissuade these bottom-feeders from sitting next to me.
  • The fat guy with the gigantic tub of popcorn wouldn’t exist and therefore wouldn’t get the refill on his popcorn and bring himself that much closer to a massive coronary.
  • People would realize that to some people, the trailers are still part of the movie-going experience, so shut the fuck up!

    • I wouldn’t risk my blood pressure rising to unhealthy levels when the old man brings a whole bag of Werther’s Originals and proceeds to unwrap that noisy ass plastic that surrounds them.
    • There would be no worry of the group of kids that managed to sneak into the rated R movie you went to see purposely to avoid these little bastards only to endure their full conversation during the whole movie while simultaneously kicking your seat.  You little fuckers, just cause you’re thirteen, does not mean I won’t knock your ass out.
    • Even worse, we wouldn’t have to deal with that precocious teenager who is at that age where they think everything they say is fucking hilarious and decide to pretend they’re on an episode of “Mystery Science Theater 3000.”  Your mommy only tells you how funny she thinks you are, because she’s feel bad calling you an annoying piece of crap, so I’ll do it for her.  SHUT YOUR GODDAMN MOUTH YOU ACNE-RIDDEN, VOICE CRACKING, SKATEBOARD RIDING DELINQUENT!

      I think my grandma has the right idea.  She goes and sees movies on any given Tuesday, goes to the first show, and enjoys her film in complete and utter peace.  I unfortunately have to work for a living and therefore have to endure the Friday/Saturday parade of ignoramuses that are so inconsiderate of the fact that they’re sharing a movie theater with 300 other people.  I know it’s illegal to yell fire in a crowded theater but do you think it’s illegal to yell, “I’M GOING TO PUNCH THIS OBNOXIOUS ASSHOLE IN THE FACE!  WHO’S WITH ME?!”

      But one has to have dreams right?



      1. i TOTALLY and COMPLETELY agree with you! that’s one of the reasons why i frequent the arclight. i find that (for the most part) movie-goers who visit that theater have the same reverence for watching films as we do.

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