Posted by: thinningtheherd | January 23, 2010

#46 Jeff Zucker

Species Name: Boneheadicus Dreamkillerus

Okay, I promise I will stop harping on the Late Night fiasco after this post.  However, after watching Conan’s final episode of “The Tonight Show” last night, I was very moved.  Yes, that’s right, I said moved.  Contrary to popular belief I’m not completely devoid of human emotion, only when it comes to cats.  I was really moved when I was watching Conan’s farewell speech seen below:

I  hope you are watching Jeff Zucker, I hope you were watching to see what a class act looks like.  Conan could’ve totally torn you and your crumbling NBC empire a new one, but he chose the high road, something you clearly know nothing about.

Jeff Zucker, the President of NBC, has been a moron since far before he screwed Conan out of his legacy.  Zucker has been at the helm of the Titanic that is NBC.  Since Zucker got promoted back in 2007, NBC has gone from the number one network to the number four network.  Way to go D-bag.  How could this happen?  Well you have to remember, Zucker rode the Friends wave to the top of NBC. NBC’s “Must See TV” lineup was what skyrocketed the network to the top of the ratings charts, but then came shows like, “I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here,” “Kath and Kim,” and of course “The Jay Leno Show.”  Now I would be remiss if I didn’t give some credit to NBC’s new Thursday night lineup of “Parks and Recreation,” “Community,” “The Office,” and “30 Rock.”  These are easily some of the most cleverly written comedies on TV, however not the ratings heavyweights of the “Must See TV” fare of the late 90’s-early 2000’s.  Now that I’ve gotten my praise of NBC out of the way, let’s imagine a world where Comcast would’ve had the intelligence to fire Jeff Zucker when they bought NBC Universal last month.

In a world where Jeff Zucker didn’t exist to give us Jews a bad name:

  • Conan wouldn’t wind up being the sacrificial lamb of your Jay Leno experiment gone awry.  We all told you that experiment would be a failure Jeff!  Nobody is drunk enough by 10pm to enjoy Jay Leno.
  • TV writers everywhere wouldn’t resent you nearly as much if you hadn’t done away with 40-50 writing jobs eliminating scripted television from your 10pm M-F slate.
  • Fear Factor would never have existed and millions of Americans would’ve avoided vomiting from watching hot girls eat pig scrotum.  Classy Jeff.
  • Father of the Pride?  Really?  You thought that was going to be a primetime smash?  How did you become President of that network.
  • Somebody competent would be running NBC who would’ve given Conan more than a measely seven months to build an audience on “The Tonight Show.”
  • You wouldn’t have been able to excise your revenge fantasy on Conan for all the years at Harvard that he got the better of you in the prank department because, well, frankly, he’s a lot smarter and funnier than you.  You showed him though, you got him arrested.  Way to take it too far.  You’re like the kid who gets frustrated during a game of hide and seek, because he chooses the crappiest hiding spots and always gets found first, and runs crying to mommy because it isn’t fair.  Wah!
  • You wouldn’t be around to serve as a perfect case study for the other network heads of “How to run a network into the ground in a few short years.”  Also a good name for your autobiography.

Mark my words Jeff, you’re going to regret what you’ve done to Conan.  Hell, I’m sure you already are with the backlash that has been directed your way during this whole debacle.  I can only hope that Triumph the Insult Comic Dog and The Masturbating Bear follow you out to your car one night after work and give you a proper soccer hooligan ass beating.  Then maybe you’ll move home to Florida and sell used cars, something I’m sure you’d be much better at than running a network.  Come on, you wouldn’t buy a car from this face?

But one has to have dreams right?


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