Posted by: thinningtheherd | January 20, 2010

#45 Martha Coakley

Species Name:  Epicfailicus Lazyshiticus

Way to go Martha.  I hope you’re proud of yourself.  In one terribly run campaign, you’ve singlehandedly killed healthcare reform and everything the Obama presidency has been working towards in the last year.  Well, maybe that’s a little too harsh.  Let me put it another way.  In one terribly run campaign, you’ve managed to shame Ted Kennedy, causing him to rollover in his grave.  Or how about this Martha, in one terribly run campaign, you managed to lose to some ass clown who posed naked in Cosmopolitan twenty years ago and drives a pickup truck, which apparently makes him qualified to be a Senator.  Apparently the good people of Massachusetts think he is more of a qualified candidate then you are because you fucked this one up.

For those of you who only watch TMZ and Access Hollywood to get your pertinent news, Martha Coakley, a democrat, was running against Scott Brown, a Republican, yesterday to see who would take over the Senate seat left vacant after Ted Kennedy’s death a few months back.  Might not sound like a big deal, but you have to realize that there was a lot at stake in this election.  In order for the Democrats to maintain a filibuster-proof hold on the Senate, Coakley had to win.  If Brown was to win, the super majority that the Democrats held in the Senate would go down the toilet like last night’s Taco Bell (R.I.P. Taco Bell Founder.)  The Democrats losing their super majority basically means that any chance of healthcare reform would go down the toilet along with it.

Guess what happened?

In a world where Martha Coakley didn’t exist to further fuckup the Democratic party:

  • Someone with a shred of charisma would’ve been put up to run against the Cosmo nude model.
  • Coakley wouldn’t have been around to make the dumbass mistake of calling beloved Boston Red Sox player, Curt Schilling, a Yankees fan.  Are you seriously that much of a fucking moron?  These people love the Red Sox.  The only time you should make any mention of the Yankees is in reference to seeing their severed heads mounted on the top of spheres displayed around Fenway Park.
  • Any other Democratic candidate would’ve won that Senate seat.  It’s fucking Massachusetts after all, one of the most Democratic states in the whole fucking country.  Obama won that state by a landslide in the election.  Seriously!  How did you fuck this one up so badly Coakley?
  • Oh right that’s how.  Maybe if you would’ve been a decent human being, and helped up that reporter than got body-slammed by one of your goons, you’d be a Senator right now.
  • A competently run campaign wouldn’t have spelled Massachusetts incorrectly in one of their campaign ads.  Watch the very end in the fine print at the bottom.  Shameful.
  • Are there really no other Kennedy’s left we could’ve thrown in that race?  Goddamn Kennedy curse…
  • The Democratic candidate running in place of Coakley wouldn’t have been dumb enough to send an election memo to the White House, criticizing them for not paying the race its due attention.

Stop pointing fingers Coakley.  You have no one to blame but yourself.  If you hadn’t run such a blatantly lazy campaign, you might have won instead of losing to this guy:

All joking aside, as someone who was a big fan of every person with the last name Kennedy, it makes me really sad that you’ve tarnished Ted Kennedy’s legacy by being too lazy to shake some fucking hands out at Fenway in the cold.  Ted Kennedy spent the majority of his life trying to get healthcare reform passed in this country, and now, it has died with the person who has taken over his Senate seat.  Epic fail.

But one has to have dreams right?



  1. Love your Blog! You are hilarious and I love all your choices!

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