Posted by: thinningtheherd | January 15, 2010

#44 Pat Robertson

Species Name: Slimicus Horriblehumanbeingius

It takes a real Grade-A scumbag to blame the Haitian people for bringing this tragically devastating earthquake upon them because they made a deal with the devil.  Congratulations Pat Robertson, you are a certified piece of shit.  Pat Robertson carried his old bones onto TV to be the dignified man of God we never expected him to be.  He proceeded to say that Haiti made a deal with the devil in exchange for their freedom from the French.  He also claimed it was a true story.  Oh really asshole?  It’s a true story?  Please show me the history book where it states any group of people making a pact with Satan.  Hell, it doesn’t even say that in the Bible you fucking dullard.  Robertson claims that since the Haitians made this deal with Beezlebub, they have been plagued with one tragedy after another.  Jon Stewart put it best in his response on last night’s Daily Show, “Shut your pie hole old man!”

Isn’t it time for this guy to die already?  It’s pretty terrifying to think that this crazy nutbag could’ve actually been the President of our country if he had won back in 1988.  I never thought I would say this, but thank God for George H.W. Bush.  Anyone next to Robertson seems like Mother Teresa.  I’ve always thought right wing, Christian fundamentalists were batshit crazy, but Robertson really takes the cake.  Blame it on dementia, Alzheimers, or an overactive bladder, but there is no fucking excuse for making a comment like that when the rest of the world is trying to come together and help these poor people from not dying you insensitive maggot.

In a world where Pat Robertson didn’t exist to preach religious urban legends as cold hard facts:

  • There would be one less person in the world who thinks they have the power to deflect hurricanes.  Oh wait, actually, there wouldn’t be anyone left in the world who thinks they could deflect hurricanes because that is a completely insane thought that only a person as delusional as Pat Robertson could come up with.
  • There would be one less racist, anti-semite, homophobe in the world.
  • Christians wouldn’t have to constantly shake their heads in disbelief/shame every time crazy Pappy Robertson opens his big yapper.

  • We’d have one less loon who thinks he has a red courtesy phone directly to God’s ear.  If that’s the case Pat, then maybe you have a large buildup of earwax because based on all your incorrect predictions, you’re not hearing God correctly.
  • Men of the cloth would strive to send positive messages instead of being Debbie Downer like Pat constantly is…seriously…how are you still alive?
  • The employees of CBN wouldn’t live in perpetual fear that Pat Robertson was going to put a curse on them if they looked him in the eyes in the hallway.
  • Pat would reach the pearly gates, God would check his guestlist, “Sorry Patty, not on the list…guess you know what that means…”

I hope that when you do die Pat, you are banished to Hell, and that all the dead Haitians will piss on your face from Heaven.

But one has to have dreams right?



  1. I live near this guy’s CBN building. I like to call it the “Eye of Sauron”. It destroys my cell and wi-fi reception and I feel dirty every time I go by it. The aura is palatable. But I mean it’s not the first time another evangelist has been batshit insane. Falwell said 9/11 was the fault of gays and feminists. Pat Robertson also said Katrina occurred because New Orleans was a den of sin.

    Honestly I was actually /waiting/ for one of them to say that Haiti’s earthquake was Haiti’s fault, but I can’t actually /watch/ them to see. Well, I can.. but I have to make sure I have a spotter and there are no sharp objects or poisonous substances in the house first.

    • LOL: “I like to call it the ‘Eye of Sauron’! It destroys my cell and wifi reception and I feel dirty every time I go by it!!!” That’s AWESOME!

      Pat Robertson makes me sick.

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