Posted by: thinningtheherd | January 12, 2010

#42 FarmVille

Species Name:  Introverticus Fartoomuchtimetowastius

I have a feeling this rant is going to strike a nerve with some of you, so if you’re really protective over your digital crop on your digital farms, you have two options.  One, Don’t read this, or two, suck it up you pussies.   After all, you are spending your time tending to your fake farm in fucking cyberspace.  I, like many of you who don’t waste your time with these silly games intended for autistic children, can’t stand when this pops up on my Facebook status updates list:

Now when you set up your Farmville to post updates to your Facebook feed, you were probably thinking, “Oooh!  People are going to so impressed that I earned a ‘Pretty Penny’ Blue Ribbon!  Yee Haw!”  Well guess what asshole?  If you really want to impress people, how about actually try farming, develop some calluses on your hands from actual manual labor instead of calluses from incessant mouse clicking.  I don’t get this shit at all…I mean I’m no elitist, I like to play a game via Facebook now and again, but how about a game that at least stimulates your brain a little bit, like Scrabble for instance.  Maybe it’s just me, but Scrabble seems far more stimulating than finding some “White Mystery Eggs!”  “Wow!  Mystery eggs!  I wonder what’s inside of them!  Oh wait, no I don’t, I actually don’t give a flying fuck!”  If you aren’t really familiar with Farmville, this video should help sum it up:

In a world where these pointless Facebook games didn’t exist to constantly remind those of us who don’t play, just how uninteresting your life truly is:

  • Productivity at jobs all across the country would skyrocket 200%
  • People would remember that video games are supposed to be fun and visually stimulating.
  • You wouldn’t experience delusions of grandeur because you built a new barn to house all your fake barnyard animals.  You’re still a loser who sits in front of your computer in your Mom’s basement, not a real farmer contributing to the feeding of society.
  • The millions of people who play these wastes of life games would be forced to venture out into society.
  • I wouldn’t be left asking myself, “You found a penguin on your farm?!  How’s that even fucking possible?!?”
  • People would realize that it’s bad enough they spend most of their day perusing status updates without having to venture into playing some pointless, never-ending game.
  • People wouldn’t be forced to block these Farmville players from their Facebook feeds as the only way to avoid the obnoxious posts from your exciting games.
  • With all the extra time available in these people’s lives, they could write their Great American novel, scale Mt. Everest a few times, and maybe even have time to circumnavigate the globe.

If you kept the fact that you were playing these games secret from the Facebook community, then I couldn’t care less.  It’s the fact that you felt the need to check that box that said, “share your activity with your Facebook friends,” or whatever it says.  That’s the part that really pisses me off.  I’d much rather read thrilling status updates like, “taking a dump,” “watching ‘Leap Year’,” or “enjoying coating my entire body in Vaseline.”  Anything would be better than finding out that some stupid black sheep wandered onto your farm.  You want to know what I have to say about that?  Where’s the mint jelly, we’re eating lambchops!

But one has to have dreams right?



  1. Funny!

    I used to be addicted to Farmville (3 months on sick leave does weird stuff to people)

    I just can’t understand what I was doing then. Yet now I’m thinking of my farm …rotting away …. 🙂

  2. Ha. And sadly the closests any damn young person will ever get to manual labor.

  3. sorry…mean the CLOSEST.

    Closests are Ukranian farming implements

  4. I got drawn into this dumb game too, too many dark nights with snow outside. Problem with these games and that stupid Pet Society is you cant delete the game once youve started it.

  5. Hear hear. I really don’t get the appeal of facebook apps, especially this one. I know a few people who are playing this alll dayy long. *shudders*

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