Posted by: thinningtheherd | January 6, 2010

#40 Charlie Sheen

Species Name: Infallibus Talentlesshackius

Charlie, Charlie, Charlie…didn’t anyone ever tell you that it isn’t safe to play with knives?  Way to get into the Christmas spirit asshole.  “Merry Christmas honey, my present to you is this knife I’m planning to shank you with.”  For those of you who don’t know this story because you’ve been living in seclusion like Howard Hughes since Christmas Day, here’s the gist.  Brooke Mueller, Charlie’s third and current wife, made a 911 call on Christmas night, reporting a domestic disturbance and that her husband was threatening her with a knife.  I’m guessing that no one’s mouth is agape right now, because you would expect no less from Charlie “Navy Seals” Sheen.

Charlie is no stranger to controversy.  He “accidentally” shot his then fiancee, Kelly Preston, back in 1990.  He has a thing for banging porn stars, both Ginger Lynn and Heather Hunter in the late 90’s.  He overdosed when he tried injecting cocaine in 1998.  However, nothing is more shocking then the fact that “Two and a Half Men” has been on the air for seven years now!  Seriously?  Hasn’t that generation of CBS viewers croaked yet?  For fucks sake.  Charlie Sheen is a born fuck up, there’s no disputing that.  I wonder what the next family dinner at the Sheen house will be like.  With Martin, Emilio, and Charlie, sitting around the dinner table most likely drinking their dinner.  Did I mention that Charlie is an alcoholic too?  He can thank Papa Sheen for that trait.  Anyway, back to dinner at the Sheen house:

Martin:  So Charlie, why did you pull a knife on your wife?

Charlie:  Anybody see the ratings for “Two and a Half Men?”

Martin:  Why can’t you be more like your brother, Emilio?

Charlie:  But Pop, Emilio hasn’t worked since 1996.  I’m a TV star!

Emilio:  Hey!  I’ve worked!  I directed that movie “Bobby” that nobody watched.

Martin:  Emilio might not be the most successful of my children, but I have two words for you, FLYING V.

Charlie:  All I want is for you to love me, instead of turning me in when I violate my parole.  I’m sorry Pop.

Martin:  How many times do I have to tell you?  You call me Mr. President at the dinner table!

It’s a little mindboggling isn’t it?  Charlie Sheen does nothing but fucked up things in his life and yet he’s the highest paid actor on TV.  What the fuck is wrong with this world?

In a world where Charlie Sheen didn’t exist to be the miracle worker that he apparently is:

  • Tiger Woods wouldn’t be left asking himself, “I bang a few girls and my life is ruined, but this guy does every debaucherous, shitty thing under the sun, and goes right back to making millions?  That’s some bullshit man.”
  • We would’ve never heard of Heidi Fleiss if Charlie hadn’t been around to use her call girl service an admitted 27 times.
  • Every other guy would still be aware that it’s not okay to punch a girl in the head when she refuses to have sex with you.  Okay, every guy except for Mike Tyson.
  • Charlie’s role on “Two and a Half Men” would’ve been played by Corey Feldman instead and still would’ve sucked.
  • Denise Richards would’ve just been remembered as the chick who shows her tits and makes out with Neve Campbell in Wild Things.
    • We’d have one less crazy thinking 9/11 was an inside job.  Charlie Sheen claims that the WTC collapse looked like a controlled demolition.  Hey Charlie, did you miss the plane flying into them?
    • In all fairness to the guy, movies like Red Dawn, Major League, and Platoon would not have been the same.
    • In all fairness to the guy, movies like The Chase, Terminal Velocity, and The Arrival would not have existed, and that would have benefited everyone who actually saw those movies.
      • We wouldn’t have to endure those retarded Hanes commercials with Michael Jordan.  Oh Charlie, you and your shenanigans…

      I really take exception to the fact that no matter what this guy does, it doesn’t effect his public persona at all.  I mean if he were as good of an actor as Daniel Day-Lewis, or as charming as George Clooney, then maybe I could forgive him, but the fact that he is nothing more than an overpaid, untalented pisshole makes me hate him even more.  There’s a lot of people who would do anything to be in your position Charlie, and you’re in that position and do anything you feel like, no matter the caliber of douche.

      But one has to have dreams right?

      Charlie with wife Brooke Mueller



      1. HAHAHA! I feel the SAME way about “Two and a Half Men!” I can’t believe that show is STILL on!!!

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