Posted by: thinningtheherd | December 17, 2009

#38 Anna Paquin

Species Name:  Snaggletoothicus Subparius

This Kiwi drives me insane everytime she appears on screen.  And not the good kind of insane.  I’m talking about the “I hate you so much, why do people cast you in shit when you are so clearly such a terrible fucking actress” insane.  So because this broad wins an Oscar at age 11 for her performance in The Piano, we’re all supposed to worship the ground she walks on.  Well fuck that.  I think she is terrible, and most certainly not deserving of the not one, but two Golden Globe nominations she received this year, no matter how many times she shows her tits in True Blood.

I know I’m going to get a lot of flack from the True Blood obsessives out there, but I couldn’t get through one episode of this show.  And I love me some Alan Ball.  Six Feet Under is the greatest show ever made in my opinion and that had lead me to have very high expectations for this show.  However, ten minutes into the show when I got a taste of Anna Paquin’s pathetic excuse for a Southern accent, I wanted to feed her to the crocodiles in the Louisiana bayou.  Then she wins a Golden Globe at the beginning of 2009 for that performance?! What the fuck?!  What did you do to win that award Anna?  Bukkake your way through the Hollywood Foreign Press to beat out these other, far more talented, nominees?

In a world where Anna Paquin didn’t exist to win awards she has no business being nominated for:

  • Bryan Singer could have cast someone hot as “Rogue” in the X-Men movies.  After all people she is supposed to look something like this:

  • No one would’ve had to endure her horrendous overracting as one of the “Band Aids” in Almost Famous.
  • We’d have one less woman with daddy issues getting engaged to their 40 year old co-star of True Blood, Stephen Moyer.
  • I wouldn’t have cried my little eyes out watching Fly Away Home.
  • I wouldn’t have been nearly as creeped out by Kevin Spacey’s fetish for underage girls in Hurlyburly.
  • The vampire craze might not have nearly gained as much speed as it did, and therefore every other freaking movie coming out nowadays wouldn’t be about vampires.
  • That snaggletooth of hers wouldn’t exist to make babies cry.

It’s true, by looking at the Golden Globe nominations, it was clearly not a great year for movies or television.  Nevertheless, that’s no excuse to give Anna Paquin any nominations because she looks good having rapey vampire sex.  Oh, and the Holocaust movie nomination?  Come on people, you know the only reason actors do Holocaust movies is because they know they stand a good chance of getting nominated for awards for it.  You may have everyone fooled Anna, but not this guy.  Hopefully one day, people will see you for the below average actress that you are, and you will be forced to actually wait tables at some seedy bar in Louisiana.  Unfortunately, being touted as such a prodigy will likely mean that you will be a familiar face in cinemas for too many years to come.  Nice boobs though.

But one has to have dreams right?



  1. LOL: “The only reason actors do Holocaust movies is because they know they stand a good chance of getting nominated!”

    Dude, when I saw this post, her GIANT nasty picture literally made me JUMP BACK in my seat. And does she look like a younger Sandra Bernhard to you?!?!?

  2. She’s hideous and a terrible actress. I agree – I have no idea why she is cast in anything.

  3. Amen to that.

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