Posted by: thinningtheherd | December 15, 2009

#37 Scientology

Species Name:  Crazyasshiticus Richbastardius

I cannot for the life of me, figure out why it’s taken me this long to thin these crazies from the herd, but better now than never.  Seriously speaking though, these guys are completely fucking bonkers right?  I mean, I’m not one to be a proponent of organized religion, and think it’s all kind of horseshit to a certain extent, even though I do identify as Jewish.  But Scientologists think they have been reincarnated from past lives lived on other planets in the universe.  I mean these guys make Gary Busey look like the poster boy for sanity.

In my opinion, Scientology is nothing more than a wealthy, elitist cult created by L. Ron Hubbard who laughed all the way to the bank…and his death.  I mean they have a process of cleansing your soul called “auditing.”  Shit man, if I wanted to audit, I would’ve gotten a job working for the I.R.S.  No wait, scratch that, I would’ve killed myself.  I’m kind of curious how they manage to rope these wealthy celebrities into becoming members of the Church.  I would if they stage phony press junkets, and then use the old hypnotic spiral to brainwash them while L. Ron’s voice speaks softly into their ears, making them feel at ease.

However they swindle these morons with more money than they obviously know what to do with, they do, and these “thetans” wind up pouring millions of dollars into this “religion” and worshipping some galactic being known as Xenu.  Xenu?  That sounds like some villain from an episode of “Buck Rogers” or “Flash Gordon.”  Before I dive into how wonderful the world would be without these nutbags, I have to share a little tidbit of the story of Xenu.  Apparently 75 million years ago, Xenu brought billions of people to Earth in a spacecraft, stacked them around volcanoes, and then detonated hydrogen bombs in the volcanoes, sending clusters of “thetans” to stick to the bodies of the living.  Whaaaaaaaaaaa?

In a world where Xenu’s spaceship would’ve crashed into Mt. Everest negating the ridiculousness that is Scientology forever:

  • Tom Cruise would still be crazy, just maybe not quite as crazy.
  • Jenna Elfman would’ve stayed the no talent ass clown that she is and I wouldn’t have had to get that lobotomy to remove the memory of “Dharma and Greg” and “Accidentally on Purpose” from my brain.

  • Kirstie Allie would’ve spent more time on the treadmill and less time praying to Xenu while eating boxes of Krispy Kreme donuts.
  • Sonny Bono might not have hit that tree.  Damn you Scientology for taking away one of the greatest entertainers of the last century! (Did my sarcasm get conveyed there?)

  • Jeff Conaway?  How can that guy be a Scientologist?  He pops pain killers like Tic Tac’s.  He was on “Celebrity Rehab” for Xenu’s sake!  Doesn’t exactly seem like it goes along with the pure living lifestyle purported by Scientology.

  • John Travolta would’ve never signed on to do Old Dogs.
  • Edgar Winter would’ve been more than a one hit wonder, although “Frankenstein” is a bad ass song.
  • Jason Lee would’ve never signed on to do Underdog or Alvin and the Chipmunks, and the forthcoming sequel you pathetic sack of shit.
  • Juliette Lewis wouldn’t give off the impression that she could snap and kill someone at any given moment.

  • We all would’ve been spared from whatever the hell Battlefield Earth was.  “You know what would be rad?  John Travolta in dreadlocks and green alien eyes!”  Dipshits.

I wish I could give these people the benefit of the doubt but I can’t, they’re idiots.  How about instead of standing around some volcanoes…you guys just jump inside.  Thanks.

But one has to have dreams right?



  1. Some funny stuff!

  2. This was freaking hilarious!

    Lol, “Make Gary Busey look like a poster boy for sanity!” (By the way, that man’s teeth freak me out!)

    Lol, “Instead of standing around some volcanoes, you guys just jump inside!”

    I like to pretend that Battlefield Earth doesn’t exist. I can’t believe people took time and money to make that.

  3. Well done and great comedy talk.
    However I wish this bunch of cracked nuts would have been here4 in Washington State in May 30 years past.
    Mt. St. Helens awaits them.

  4. all the time i used to read smaller posts which also clear their motive, and that is also happening with this article which
    I am reading now.

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