Posted by: thinningtheherd | December 10, 2009

#36 MySpace


Species Name:  Sotwoyearsagoicus Nobodycaresius

This is probably a moot point for most people because you either don’t check your myspace account anymore or you cancelled it altogether.  Either way, let me offer up this analogy to you.  Myspace is basically like that guy/girl you hooked up with.  At first it was great.  It was fun, new uncharted territory. Everyday was a new surprise, and anything seemed possible.  Then as time rolled on, things became complicated, nothing  worked like it was supposed to, and instead of just allowing you to make a clean break, it continues to exist, hoping that you will one day remember the good times you once had.

Or if that analogy doesn’t work for you, you can think of MySpace as the BMX pro Bart  Taylor from the movie RAD. Bart was on top of the world, unstoppable in the world of BMX riding.  That was until a nobody named Cru Jones came along and beat Bart at his own game.  Cru “Facebook” Jones manages to swoop in, defeating Bart “Myspace” on the biggest stage possible, “Helltrack,” leaving Bart “Myspace” Taylor in his dust.  Ah fuck it, enough with the analogies, MySpace has become a convoluted mess and I consider this to be a mercy killing.  Sorry Tom (remember him?), but time for you to die.

In a world where MySpace didn’t exist to become the sad, pathetic shit that it is:

  • You wouldn’t have had to wait ten minutes while your computer figured out how to load some people’s MySpace pages due to the thousand different applications running on them at the same time.

  • You also would’ve been spared from the Clockwork Orange-ian “Ludovico Technique” when said MySpace profile did finally load, causing a sensory overload in your brain.
  • You would’ve never gotten your hopes up when you received that friend request from that hot girl who wanted you to check her out on her webcam.  “Wow!  She must really like me if she only has a couple of friends and she friend requested me!  Awesome!”
  • Nobody would’ve had to witness MySpace’s pathetic attempts to be just like Facebook (Seriously, go look at MySpace right now…it’s sad)
  • Rupert Murdoch would’ve never bought MySpace and it might have redeemed some credibility.
  • MySpace wouldn’t have tried to capitalize on YouTube’s popularity by creating MySpace TV.  (I think the creation of the MySpace site itself was the only original thought Tom ever had)
  • People wouldn’t be left asking themselves the question, “If MySpace dies in cyberspace and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?”

  • No one would’ve ever heard of Tila Tequila’s gonorrhea ridden ass.

Oh MySpace, it was good while it lasted, but I think it’s time to hit the road.  Pack up your things into your brindle and look for greener pastures because no matter what kind of rebranding you try to do, it won’t work, nobody cares.  Don’t feel too bad, you had a good run, and if it makes you feel better, Facebook will meet it’s demise at some point too, it’s inevitable.  Just please, stop being such a buzz kill and die already.  Your site is more depressing than the recession.

But one has to have dreams right?

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Responses

  1. cool blog! check out my band THINNING THE HERD

    myspace.com/castrosbeard

  2. Lol! Nicely said, and loved the first analogy. Yes, it’s quite funny how at one point, CNN and the likes would mention MySpace whereas now, all I ever hear about is Facebook and nevvveerrr about Myspace. Awesome.


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