Posted by: thinningtheherd | December 8, 2009

#35 “Jersey Shore”

Species Name: Slutticus Shallowius

This is the true story of seven guidos and guidettes, picked to share their venereal diseases in a house together at the Jersey Shore and unfortunately have their skanky escapades taped, to find out what happens when these douchebags stop being whores that no one cared about and start getting a TV show on MTV that people won’t be able to avert their eyes from, like a bad car wreck.”

It only took one episode of the monstrosity that is “Jersey Shore,” to realize that the Jersey Shore should be nuked from existence.  For those of you who haven’t gotten a chance to see MTV’s newest groundbreaking docu-series, I’ll give you the recipe for the show:

1 gigantic bucket of hair gel

2 parts noticeable fake tan

A buttload of obnoxious N.J. accents

A generous helping of fist pumping to House music

A tub of protein powder

Topped off with a name for your abs or tits

You combine all of these ingredients and you have just created: “The Even Trashier Real World”  Who ever thought that would be possible? Now I’ll admit to the fact that “The Real World” has always been a guilty pleasure of mine.  Maybe it has to do with the fact that it is the original reality show, or maybe that it first premiered back when I was 12 years old and has somewhat of a nostalgic feeling for me.  Whatever it is, I can’t explain it, and I’m definitely not proud of it, but for fucks sake, these “Jersey Shore” retards make the “The Real World”ers look like card carrying members of MENSA.

Cause I know you all are dying to meet everybody’s favorite guido/guidettes…so here ya go:

In a world where “Jersey Shore” didn’t exist to remind us just how shockingly sick some people in this country are:

  • The country of Italy wouldn’t have to issue a press release stating that they take offense to these guidos/guidettes referring to themselves as Italian Americans.  Actually, all Italian’s, everywhere, are ashamed of these jackasses.
  • “Jersey Shore” wouldn’t have been able to set a record for the most uses of the word “bro” and Affliction shirts worn in the same hour of television.
  • We, as normal, functioning members of society, would have no douchebag litmus test to compare ourselves to.
  • These seven roomates wouldn’t have the footage from their time on “Jersey Shore” to show their children to explain why they were born with herpes.
  • DVD sales of “The Sopranos” would plummet.
  • MTV would find some other group of young, naive, dumb kids to exploit for their own financial gain.  Oh you guidos…why are you so desperate for attention?
  • All of America would’ve been jipped out of their opportunity to see the oblivious trainwreck that is “Snooki.”  There ya go Snooki, way to make ya mother proud.
  • There would be four less future goomah’s and four less future mechanic’s in the world.

“Douchebag Shore” may be the greatest show ever created…but it’s not.  Instead it’s a display of the dregs of society and I promise you that after watching one episode you will feel compelled to read “War and Peace” to try and recoup the brain cells you just dissolved by watching this crap.  I yearn for the days when MTV used to have quality programming like “Undressed” and “Beavis and Butthead.”  That’s right, “Beavis and Butthead” is more intellectually stimulating than “Jersey Shore.”  But I guess I just have to suck it up, because like the shitfests before it, “The Hills,” “My Super Sweet 16,” and “True Life: I’m Addicted to Porn,”  “Jersey Shore” is on its way to developing a huge following and I’m sure the paparazzi will be following them around in no time.  Kill me.

But one has to have dreams right?



  1. One of the stupidest shows I’ve ever seen in my life!
    Nothing more than a vehicle for obnoxious,classless people to demonstrate their bad behavior and MTV to rake in the dough while laughing all the way to the bank at the easily impressed public. In layman’s terms it equals total shit.

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