Posted by: thinningtheherd | November 18, 2009

#31 Jay Leno

Species Name:  Humorlessius Crappyhosticus

Would someone please cut the brake lines in all of Jay Leno’s 700 cars so that he will fly into the Pacific Ocean after losing control on a hairpin turn going down PCH?  I’m looking out for all of us people.  No Jay Leno means no Jay Leno cracking painfully unfunny jokes on your televisions five days a week.  Now, I’m not going to lie, as an aspiring TV writer, I have a bit of a bias here.  Jay Leno’s new show, which is remarkably just like the Tonight Show except it’s now on at 10pm instead of 11:30, has knocked five hours of scripted programming off of NBC’s slate.

Okay, sure, Jay Leno does have writers on his show (not that they’re doing a very good job mind you), but he still doesn’t have the amount of writers that five separate shows would be employing.  And referring back to bias, the writers on Jay Leno’s show are variety show writers, most likely stand up comedians, and a very different breed from narrative writers.

What I’m saying is, Jay, why the fuck couldn’t you just stay retired?  You don’t need to ever work another day in your life, you had a good run, why couldn’t you just have gone quietly into the night?  But no, NBC offers you a buttload of money, and you and your gargantuan chin march right back to doing the same stupid schtick you were doing for the last twenty years.

In a world where Jay Leno had “Jay-walked” himself off a cliff:

  • Letterman would’ve gotten his just due by winning the ratings that he deserved by being a far superior late night host.
  • Johnny Carson would still be alive. (That’s right folks, Carson died because he couldn’t take watching Leno shame the reputation of “The Tonight Show” any longer.)
  • We would’ve been able to enjoy Conan at 11:30pm many years earlier.
  • Your grandparents would be very sad and confused, not knowing what to watch on late night television (that’s if they stay up past Jeopardy.)
  • Men all over the country would be able to enjoy their Sunday night football game without the incessant on-screen promo’s for Jay Leno’s piece of shit show.
  • The NBC executives wouldn’t be able to swim laps in their Scrooge McDuck style vault from the money they are saving by having Jay fill that 10pm timeslot.
  • A plethora of other, much funnier, stand up comedians could’ve been given the chance that Jay was given.
  • Jay Leno’s fanbase would have to go back to watching reruns of “The Dick Van Dyke Show” and “Mr. Ed” on TV Land.

Jay Leno sucks.  Always has, and always will.  The fact that he kills in the ratings is utterly mindboggling to me.  I was so happy when I heard that he would be leaving “The Tonight Show,” but was equally crushed when they announced that he would be getting his new show, “The Tonight Show Redux.”  I hate this show so much, that when the intro to Jay Leno’s show manages to sneak it’s way onto the end of the episode of 30 Rock I recorded on my DVR, I want to punch a hole in my wall!  Motherfucker!  This guy is like a fucking cockroach, and all I want is to never see him ever again…is that so much to ask?  Alas, I have a sneaking suspicion that by 2012, the real end of humanity will not be the Earth’s core crumbling and swallowing us into the center of the Earth, but rather, NBC will be renamed the Jay Leno network, and will air nothing but Jay Leno, 24 hours a fucking day!  Kill me now.

But one has to have dreams right? Balloon Boy in there?

So much for making it through life without seeing Jay Leno straddle anything in a Canadian tuxedo.


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