Posted by: thinningtheherd | November 5, 2009

#26 Swine Flu


Species Name: Pandemicus Endoftheworldicus

No one likes to share the same air space as someone with the flu, but when it comes to someone with the H1N1 Swine Flu, I kind of wish those people were forced to ride out the virus like the “Boy in the Bubble.”  This may seem insensitive, but think about this, the 2009 H1N1 influenza virus has a similar cell structure to the 1918 flu, a pandemic that killed an estimated 50 million people!  Are you fucking shitting me?!

It’s hard to know what to believe with all the conflicting information out there since the Swine flu reared it’s ugly little snout back in April.  All I know is, we’ve just started the flu season, and the propaganda campaign makes me feel like we’ve got an Ebola virus on our hands.   I don’t know about you, but I’d prefer not to hemorrhage blood from my eyeballs.  Now it would be kind of fucked up of me to imagine a world free of the shitbags who come down with the Swine flu, so I’m instead going to tackle the virus itself.


In a world where the Swine flu never existed to cause the world to freak the fuck out:

  • We’d have one less thing to blame on the Mexicans.
  • The CDC would’ve had plenty of time to focus on their Scrabble games on Facebook.  Priorities people!
  • We’d have one less death to wish upon Heidi and Spencer.
  • A whole new generation of Howard Hughes would never have been created, carrying around a Costco size bottle of Purell everywhere they go.
  • We could still laugh at the Japanese for wearing those facial masks everywhere.  Jokes on us I guess.
  • The Avian flu wouldn’t feel so neglected.
  • The Jews wouldn’t have the satisfaction of telling all the goyum, “We told you those pigs were bad news…”
  • Parents wouldn’t be considering sending their children to school in  hazmat suits.
  • Employees would have one less valid excuse to not come to work.
  • The Republicans would have one less thing to blame Obama for.

We’ve got enough shit to worry about in this world with terrorism, cancer, and Glenn Beck.  Now we have to be afraid that we’re going to die because some asshole didn’t wash his hands after dropping a deuce?  And if that weren’t bad enough, now they’re saying there’s a shortage of the H1N1 vaccine.  Are you trying to start a fucking panic?  I mean I don’t think it’s a coincidence that pandemic sounds a lot like panic-demic.

At this point, I welcome a case of the normal, run of the mill flu, how sick is that?  It would be lovely to be living in a world where I didn’t have to fear the Swine flu causing me to be hospitalized.  Unfortunately, with seven fucking months of flu season to go, I’ve decided to reevaluate my strategy and am building my own plastic bubble to live in.  See you in May.


But one has to have dreams right?


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