Posted by: thinningtheherd | October 30, 2009

#24 Clowns


Species Name: Creepyasfuckicus Childmolestius

Seeing as Halloween is tomorrow, it seemed only fitting to conquer my fear of the one thing in this world that terrifies me more than scientologists, CLOWNS.  Ever since I was a child, these fuckers have haunted my nightmares.  From Bozo to Pennywise to Homie the Clown, I don’t care, I hate them all.  What shithead thought these painted up child molesters would be enjoyable to children?  Everything about them is evil.  The painted white face, the bright red nose, that fucking creepy circus music that follows them wherever they go. I would much rather face Freddy Krueger, Jason Vorhees, and Michael Myers in a Battle Royale any day of the week over being in a dark alley with this fucker:

Georgie!  What the fuck are you thinking?!? Don’t take that goddamn balloon!  But see, that’s the problem, clowns are the worst because they prey on the innocence and naivete of children, making them that much more fucked up.  I know I’m not alone in my fear of clowns, so consider this thinning the herd as a public service and type of therapy for those of you plagued by night terrors brought on by these assholes.

In a world where clowns didn’t exist to send grown men running and screaming in terror:

  • We wouldn’t have to worry about a group of KILLER CLOWNS FROM OUTER SPACE coming to Earth, turning us into cotton candy cocoons and sucking out our blood with a straw.
  • I wouldn’t have needed rubber sheets on my bed as a child…and as an adult.
  • John Wayne Gacy would’ve had to rely on his inherent creepiness as a serial killer instead of hiding behind makeup.


  • Parents would no better than to let this molester anywhere near their kids.  He wants more then a hug…

Ronald McDonald

  • John Leguizamo would never have donned a fat suit in Spawn to somehow manage to make clowns even creepier


  • I wouldn’t have to carry my 9MM at all times if I hadn’t seen this piece of psychotic shit:
  • Everytime you see a Smart Car, you wouldn’t be worried about how many clowns are inside of it.
  • The sound of circus music wouldn’t elicit a Pavlovian response in me to piss myself.

I dream of the day that I don’t have to live in  fear of a clown hiding in the bushes, waiting to steal my soul, or what semblance of a soul I have left.  See the problem is that it is common knowledge how scary clowns are, so there is definitely no end in sight to their reign of terror.  Expect them to be a common fixture in movies, television, and your psyche for years to come.  Although we can take solace in this clip, as a way to know that it is possible to overcome your fear of clowns…even zombie clowns:

So kids, if you see a zombie clown out tomorrow night while trick-or-treating, make sure you smash it’s face in with a large rubber mallet.  Fuck you clown.  Happy Halloween!

But one has to have dreams right?


Don't trust him...he's still evil...



  1. You’re right Clowns are fucking scary! I pissed my pants watching some of those clips! Thanks for the bad time asshole!

  2. LOL: “the one thing in this world that terrifies me more than scientologists!”

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