Posted by: thinningtheherd | October 13, 2009

#15 Michael Crabtree


"What? You want to watch me deep throat this Subway sandwich? How much money you got?"

Species Name: Greedicus Potentialbusticus

I am well aware that I may be jumping to conclusions wanting to thin this pompous prick from the herd.  Michael Crabtree says that he aspires to be the “Michael Jordan of football,” and he very well might turn out to live up to that kind of hype.  However, considering the asshole became the longest holdout in San Francisco 49ers franchise history, I’d much rather watch Michael Jordan dunk Crabtree’s severed head from the foul line.

49ers Jets Tampering Football

Crabtree eventually signed a contract for 6 years for $32 million.  That’s pretty much identical to what the 49ers offered him three months ago, except that it’s a year longer and thus more money.  What the fuck was this guy thinking?  It’s no new thing for professional athletes to demand large contracts for exorbitant amounts of money, but this fucker hasn’t even stepped on an NFL field yet!  Why can’t these athletes just be humbled by the fact that they are getting paid ridiculous amounts of money to play a sport they love?  Michael Crabtree, for your incessant greediness, I sentence you to be thinned from the herd.

In a world where Michael Crabtree didn’t have a chance to become the bust he very well could be:

  • 49ers coach, Mike Singletary, wouldn’t have the opportunity to tear Crabtree a new asshole like he did with Vernon Davis.  You fuck with Singletary, you’re gonna be taking a rape shower.
  • Some other young athlete with delusions of grandeur would wind up holding out for a whole season like Crabtree was prepared to, and presumably commit career suicide.
  • Michael Crabtree wouldn’t have had the chance to be the next Ryan Leaf.
  • The 49ers would probably still make the playoffs this year.
  • NFL fans would be spared a second coming of the bitchy/whiny antics of Terrell Owens.
  • The New York Jets would still have gotten stuck with Braylon Edwards.
  • MC Hammer wouldn’t have been able to vocalize his inspiring words to get the negotiations going again between the 49ers and Crabtree.
  • The 49ers were 3-1 before Crabtree, and 0-1 with him…see, they don’t need him!  Granted he didn’t play at all yesterday, but that’s neither here nor there.
  • Crabtree wouldn’t have the opportunity to be the next victim of the EA Sports curse.  It’s coming…you know it is…


A world without Michael Crabtree would be a beautiful thing because despite the lack of Sportscenter highlights he will most likely deliver, we’ll also have to endure his arrogant, pampered bullshit for years to come.  Either that or he winds up a running a dog fighting ring, or shooting himself in the leg while out at the club.

But one has to have dreams right?


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