Posted by: thinningtheherd | October 8, 2009

#14 NASCAR Fans


Species Name:  Redneckus Retardus

It’s a beautiful Sunday morning.  The birds are chirping, the sun is shining, and you’re enjoying your coffee while reading the paper.  Sounds like an ideal Sunday morning to me.  However, to the dimwits who watch NASCAR, or the Non Athletic Sport Centered Around Rednecks, watching a bunch of cars squeal around a track two hundred times, in the hopes that someone will crash, is the REAL perfect Sunday.  I just don’t get it.  Maybe it’s because I didn’t grow up in the South, or didn’t start chewing tobacco at age 8, followed by drinking Pabst Blue Ribbon at age 9, or maybe it’s simply because my IQ is higher than that of a squirrel’s.  Whatever it is, one thing for sure is that NASCAR has got to be one of the dumbest, wastes of time, on the face of the Earth.  I can honestly say that if these fans never existed, it’s not like the world would be without any Nobel laureates, you know what I’m saying?

Nascar Fan

In a world where NASCAR fans weren’t around to watch a Chevrolet turn left for four fucking hours:

  • The #1 most profitable sport in the country would be an actual fucking sport!
  • There’d be a lot less in-breeding taking place in the country.
  • Erectile dysfunction companies, needing a place to post their brand name, would start tattooing athletes with their company logo.


  • Many Wal-Mart stores would go out of business.


  • Hipsters and Frat boys would be the only ones left drinking PBR because they think they are being witty and novel by doing so.
  • People would stick to watching sports as a fan of athletic prowess on display, rather than waiting for an explosion and destruction on a NASCAR track.
  • The Blue Collar Comedy Tour would never have been created because their fan base would be gone.
  • With the millions of gallons of gasoline saved, the oil crisis would be over, and gas prices would drop to the median price of $.65 a gallon.
  • Professional wrestling would also suffer, losing a major portion of their fan base, due to the overlap between their fans and NASCAR fans.
  • We wouldn’t have had to suffer through eight years of this guy.


Ahh…a world free of NASCAR sounds pretty blissful, and I live in Los Angeles, where it’s not even that popular.  I can’t imagine living in the South where those fuckers eat, sleep, and breathe NASCAR.  I would probably have to thin myself from the herd if I was surrounded by those retards on a daily basis with their Jeff Gordon hats and their sweat-stained wife beaters.  Unfortunately, this piece of shit excuse for a sport is bound to be around for eons, and all we can hope for is that if the terrorists choose to attack a sporting’s the Daytona 500.

But one has to have dreams right?




  1. i lived in the South for 4 goddam yrs…and I’d give anyone permission to rid us of all the rednecks living there 🙂

  2. You should write about Southern frat boys ugh

  3. This is extremely offensive. I have lived in the south for 19 years and wouldn’t change a thing. Just because people are from the south doesn’t make them redneck or ignorant by any means. Someone from where ever in hell you came from is just as moronic, clearly. I think maybe before you go saying terrorists should destroy hundreds of thousands of lives at one of the nation’s biggest SPORTING events, you should probably consider that your asking for your own people to be murdered, asshole. AND people consider little punk asses like you who think they’re hot stuff for typing an article about your PERSONAL problems are annoying and extremely idiotic to A LOT of other people. Just something to think about, jerk. I hope you aren’t this disrespectful to everybody..I’ll be praying for you.

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