Posted by: thinningtheherd | September 25, 2009

#8 Twitterers a.k.a. Twats


Species Name: Delusionus Toomuchtimeontheirhandsicus

As one who relies on social networking sites as my lifeblood to drive traffic to this blog, you’d think I’d have a Twitter account, where I’d blog witty 140 character messages for people to read.  Well I don’t, and you know why?  Because Twitter is fucking useless and provides no additional service that Facebook doesn’t already provide.  In the great popularity contest that is the internet, people are compelled to get as many Twitter subscribers as they possibly can.  Not only that, but these people have the audacity to think I give a flying fuck that they went to the Best Buy to purchase the new Miley Cyrus album?  Get over yourself, nobody cares how crappy your musical tastes are!

I fucking hate that every time I turn on the television, radio, or go to any website, I see that goddamn bluebird or here someone say, “You can follow me on Twitter.  My handle is…” @whogivesafuck!  You want to know the worst part though, the name of the thing…Twitter?!  Could you have thought of a more pussified sounding name for your service?  Lance Armstrong, the man beats balls cancer, and wins the Tour de France six times, so that he can utter the sentence, “I can’t wait to ‘tweet’ about this later?”  And that’s no joke, the guy is actually on Twitter.  Society’s obsession with following everyone’s every move no matter how drab and boring it may be has gotten out of control.

I thought I’d change the format up a little bit for this list.  Instead of coming up with hypothetical reasons why the world would be a better place without these Twitterers, I’m going to let these ten ridiculous celebrity Twats and their ridiculous ‘tweets’ (Kill me for actually using that term) speak for themselves.

In a world where Twitter was just a sex move, we wouldn’t have to endure this onslaught of retards:


  • “Listening to John Glenn mock the social web because he doesn’t understand it. I wonder if people mocked his space program.” @ashtonkutcher (Did he just compare social networking to venturing into space?!  Why don’t you tweet something more interesting like having to pickup Ensure and Depends for the wifey Ashton.)


  • “My parents home is a sanctuary. I love velveeta!! :)” @jessicasimpson (What the fuck does that even mean?!)


  • “I am so sleepy…going to bed Tweet Dreams” @kimkardashian (Excuse me while I proceed to vomit out my internal organs)


  • “So a massive zit popped up before Staples which just CAN NOT be there! So I put Desitin (diaper rash oitment haha) on it and it is GONE!” @mileycyrus (Thank you for giving us a behind-the-scenes look at your puberty.)


  • “Not depressing… Awe inspiring…mind boggling…informative and a little troubling. More than a little troubling. Off you go then.” @davematthews (Whaaaaaaaaa?)


  • “Twitter is like NYC. It never sleeps, but during the day its overcapacity, 2 many people, but at night U can have the whole city 2 urself!” @tilatequila (Deep thoughts from Tila Tequila ladies and gentlemen.)


  • I will be guest Co-Hosting the View on October 1!” @heidimontag (Actually pretty useful, now I know where to mail all this Anthrax laying around my house)


  • “Who’s the boss” was such a great show.” @brookehogan (Weren’t you a zygote when “Who’s the Boss” was on the air?  Although you do have a point…Dammit!  I just agreed with Brooke Hogan.)


  • If you want to play Xbox 360 or PS3 with me then go to @fdgamerposse and leave me a tweet.” @freddurst (Guess the careers going well eh Fred?)

tyra curlers

  • “If someone is acting crazy on twitter, we shouldn’t say they are TRIPPIN’. we should say they are TWIPPIN'” @tyrabanks (No.  You should kill yourself.)

People need to get a fucking life and stop living vicariously through other people via Twitter.  It’s pathetic.  Twitterers all need to perish a painful death. Alas, I fear that the Twitter revolution has only begun.  Pretty soon human interaction all together will become a thing of the past, and people will be forced to read about what new and exciting venereal disease has infested Courtney Love’s twat via Twitter.

But one has to have dreams right?

twitter2 copy



  1. You are very angry. Perhaps you should take some time off. I’ll tweet you a good spot to relax.

  2. Wow… I completely agree with what you say… Its so senseless and nonsensical… People are really coming up with pathetic ways to make money and some more stupid people are helping… Wadda you know!!!! lol

  3. hahaha your blogs are making my cheeks hurt.
    this is some funny shit. thinningtheherd genius

  4. lmfao! there should be more people like you around…

  5. […] @brookehogan (Weren’t you a […]

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