Posted by: thinningtheherd | September 23, 2009

#7 Dane Cook


Species Name:  Boisterous Buffoonicus

Forget healthcare, abortion, and American Idol, the biggest debate causing the greatest amount of polarization in this country at this moment, may be the Dane Cook quandary.  Now before we go any further, I must confess, with great shame mind you, that I used to be a Dane Cook fan.  I admit, I used to get a good chuckle out of his Comedy Central Presents stand up specials.  But this was back when Dane was a bright-eyed young comic, humbled and ready to take the comedy world by storm.  The problem is, he did take the comedy world by storm and then proceeded to become a self-righteous, mediocre, pile of douche.  See what made Dane Cook initially funny was that, like any good stand up comic, he found the humor in everyday situations.  Sure, he would scream loudly and flail his arms around, but it was a novelty, kitschy if you will, and tolerable.  However, as time has marched on, his jokes have gotten less funny, and his antics out of control to the point that he looks like a meth head having an epileptic fit on stage.

Here’s a great parody of Dane on Family Guy, bear with it though, the quality is not the greatest.

Dane Cook is a sell out, and I have no problem with that.  People like to hate on someone simply because they manage to attain some level of fame and notoriety.  I have no problem with that either.  I encourage all artists to sell out at the first chance they get because honestly, the point of working in entertainment is to get paid doing what you love, and hopefully get paid handsomely for it.  The problem I have with Dane Cook, and he’s not the only one guilty of this, is that along with selling out, he became an arrogant fuckhead.

Dear Dane,

I am writing to say goodbye.  We had some good times.  You came into my life in college when I was impressionable and didn’t know what good stand up comedy was.  You made me laugh, granted I was probably under the influence at the time, but I laughed nonetheless.  Since those days I’ve wised up, and have come to realize that the only people who still find you funny are simpletons who can’t be bothered to think too hard.  And please don’t get me started on Employee of the Month or Good Luck Chuck.  I’m writing to say goodbye, not because I am giving up on you as a person, I did that years ago.  I writing to say goodbye, because you’ve worn out your welcome Dane.  Now, your time has come…to be thinned from the herd.

In a world where DANE COOK has been impaled on his own SuFi:

  • Frat boys across the country will have to stick to only finding dick and fart jokes funny anymore.
  • Louis C.K. could rest easy not having to fear anymore of his jokes being stolen by Dane.  Sorry Louis, but Carlos Fucking Mencia is still lurking around, so don’t rest too easy.
  • Richard Pryor would turn back over in his grave once people stop comparing his popularity to Dane Cook’s.
  • People will realize that in order for a joke to be funny, it needs to have a punchline.
  • Larry the Cable Guy will become the world’s most popular comedian (I’m coming for you next Larry!  Git-R-Done?  Git-R-Go Fuck Yourself!)
  • Film studios will be forced to cast someone who is actually charming and funny to play the leading man in their crappy romantic comedies.  Really?  Dane Cook was the best you could do?!
  • The lives of the Dane Cook super-fans will be lonely and empty, until they rediscover Jim Carrey, to fill their over-the-top, physical comedy compensating for a lack of actual humor void.
  • The SuFi will no longer draw attention away from the far superior Shocker.
  • Dave Chappelle will make his triumphant return from being crazy claiming Dane Cook as the REAL reason he went crazy.
  • The NY Friars Club will roast Dane Cook, literally, his corpse, rotating on a spit over an open flame.  Sweet revenge for all the comics who couldn’t stand him.

My, my, my, how harsh the public can be…they can love you one minute and despise you the next.  Dane, I wish I could keep your early work around when you actually were amusing, but that’s not how this game works.  As for the crimes against [comedic] humanity that you have committed over the last few years, the comedy world would be a much funnier place without your smug mug fucking it all up.  As much as we might dislike this guy, he still has legions of fans that fill arenas to watch him act like a retarded five year old, and as long as they’re there for Dane, Dane will be here to torture all of us.

But one has to have dreams right?

The Douchebag did the world not implode when these three got together?

The Douchebag did the world not implode when these three got together?



  1. you’re the douche
    dane cook rocks!

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