Species Name: Microscopis Genitalius
It’s no secret that guys who drive Hummers are compensating for the baby dick between their legs. Let me get this straight, gas prices have never been higher, the country is flat broke, global warming is no longer considered just a “liberal scare tactic,” and you are still driving that gas guzzling, penis enlarger? You know what you should do with your Hummer asshole? You should drive it on over to Iraq and get blown up by a roadside bomb, because at least the car would make sense to drive over there. What? Are you preparing for an IED attack on Hollywood Boulevard? No, instead, you are an attention whore, hoping women will make themselves moist just by gazing at you in your impractical automobile. I could thin the herd of just the cars themselves, but it’s not the cars that are the problem, it’s the douchebags behind the wheel that need to be eradicated.
In a world where Hummer drivers have all been turned into an alternative fuel source for the next energy efficient car:
- Women would be forced to guess which men have the smallest penises.
- People would have to resort to buying a practical car.
- Global warming will no longer be an issue. Who knew? It was the Hummer holding everything back
- There would be twice as many parking spots available, cause these dillholes wouldn’t be around to park their boats in a spot labeled “Compact.”
- The price of crude oil would plummet with one less car that gets a whopping 10 miles to the gallon on the road.
- The word “hummer” can go back to being a euphemism for what makes every guy happy.
- The Toyota FJ Cruiser will feel ashamed of itself for still existing in the world, proceed to pull a Pinto, and spontaneously explode.
- We could send all the remaining Hummers to Iraq and Afghanistan where they should’ve been all along.
- Small penised men will drive this car instead, because if you’re going to be compensating…you might as well be upfront about it:
- California would be forced to elect a new governor who might be competent enough to run the state.
So listen little man, next time you are thinking of buying a toy to prove your manliness, why not try having a little self dignity instead. Hummer drivers represent everything that is wrong with the world, and I am happy to say that the world would not miss you one goddamn bit. Please do us all a favor and just die already. I don’t care how you do it, just do it. I’m begging you. The sad truth of the matter is, despite the environmental catastrophe they may be causing, Hummer drivers are relentless to prove their point that this is America, and they can drive anything they damn well please. If only they would drive themselves into a lake. Wherever there are men with minuscule penises, their Hummers will not be far away.
But one has to have dreams right?