Posted by: thinningtheherd | September 22, 2009

#6 Hummer Drivers


Species Name: Microscopis Genitalius

It’s no secret that guys who drive Hummers are compensating for the baby dick between their legs.  Let me get this straight, gas prices have never been higher, the country is flat broke, global warming is no longer considered just a “liberal scare tactic,” and you are still driving that gas guzzling, penis enlarger?  You know what you should do with your Hummer asshole?  You should drive it on over to Iraq and get blown up by a roadside bomb, because at least the car would make sense to drive over there.  What?  Are you preparing for an IED attack on Hollywood Boulevard?  No, instead, you are an attention whore, hoping women will make themselves moist just by gazing at you in your impractical automobile.  I could thin the herd of just the cars themselves, but it’s not the cars that are the problem, it’s the douchebags behind the wheel that need to be eradicated.

In a world where Hummer drivers have all been turned into an alternative fuel source for the next energy efficient car:

  • Women would be forced to guess which men have the smallest penises.
  • People would have to resort to buying a practical car.
  • Global warming will no longer be an issue. Who knew? It was the Hummer holding everything back
  • There would  be twice as many parking spots available, cause these dillholes wouldn’t be around to park their boats in a spot labeled “Compact.”
  • The price of crude oil would plummet with one less car that gets a whopping 10 miles to the gallon on the road.
  • The word “hummer” can go back to being a euphemism for what makes every guy happy.
  • The Toyota FJ Cruiser will feel ashamed of itself for still existing in the world,  proceed to pull a Pinto, and spontaneously explode.


  • We could send all the remaining Hummers to Iraq and Afghanistan where they should’ve been all along.
  • Small penised men will drive this car instead, because if you’re going to be compensating…you might as well be upfront about it:


  • California would be forced to elect a new governor who might be competent enough to run the state.


So listen little man, next time you are thinking of buying a toy to prove your manliness, why not try having a little self dignity instead.  Hummer drivers represent everything that is wrong with the world, and I am happy to say that the world would not miss you one goddamn bit.  Please do us all a favor and just die already.  I don’t care how you do it, just do it.  I’m begging you.  The sad truth of the matter is, despite the environmental catastrophe they may be causing, Hummer drivers are relentless to prove their point that this is America, and they can drive anything they damn well please.  If only they would drive themselves into a lake.  Wherever there are men with minuscule penises, their Hummers will not be far away.

But one has to have dreams right?



...and sorry, they don't even look tough. Just douchey.



  1. Funny! In the same spirit, you may enjoy my (as of now) 7th-most viewed item on flickr, suggesting the same thing:


  2. haha, u wanna see the odd asshole who gets one of them shipped over to the uk. the whole road has to stop moving to let it down the middle.

  3. Dude I’ve been inside the Oscar Mayer mobile in Bosie, Idaho of all places, that ride is sick and would def rock one (not becuase it is cool but just to be upfront about it…ofcourse ;/ ).

  4. HAHAHA, I love the Hummer comic!

  5. […] do we say about guys who drive Hummers? Does building a massive house when all around you are small […]

  6. I drive a h2. I am a family man, business man, Christian, huge male in every way and never had a problem or even thought on being insecure! I strongly believe that stereotype is almost as bad as what whites think of me as a black man. Kim K’s butt is hated on because it’s big, beautiful and you can’t handle it, afford it, or understand others fascinated by it…. Thus. The Hummer!

  7. I love my hummer. Only middle age white guys view Hummers as a status symbol. Must people just enjoy the ride. I wouldn’t trade mine for the satisfaction of envious middle age white guys. I’m black, you automatically know size isn’t an issue, I enjoy my hummer. Never had a woman say one negative word (all races) about my hummer… not one. You that hate, wake up! Enjoy life and don’t let envious middle age white guys that obvious lack ..,u know.., stop u from a great experience !

  8. What a stupid point of view gasss??? Small penis???? Dude we hummer owners dont care about gas if you have the money to buy one new it means you have the money for gas the guy who wrote the article drives around in a fiat 500 or a toyota corrolla and doesnt even have money to spend two weeks on gas in a hummer You suck

    • Spoken like a guy with a micro-penis. Or a guy who googles articles on Hummers because he has such a mini-hard on for the one he owns. Unless you’re fighting terrorists in Fallujah, you have no reason to be owning a Hummer.

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