Posted by: thinningtheherd | September 21, 2009

#5 Cats


Species Name: Felis Satanus

Have you ever looked into a cats eyes and heard that kid from The Shining eerily repeating “Redrum! Redrum!?” Or maybe the music from the shower scene in Psycho? Or maybe you’ve seen the fiery pits of Mordor smoldering in those soulless pupils ? Well I have, and its convinced me that cats are pure evil.

You may be asking yourself, “What? Cats? But they’re so adorable and precious.” And to that I say, don’t be fooled by appearances, because remember, at one time, people thought cats were the Devil in disguise. Cats want to seduce you into falling in love with them, and then when you are at your most vulnerable, they steal your soul. Still not convinced? Riddle me this…How can an animal that has nine lives not be a vessel of Satan? Trust me when I say, if all the cats in the world ODed on catnip, the world would be a safer place.

In a world where the cat wasn’t around to claw out people’s eyeballs:

  • The cat lady on your street, free of the burden of her twelve cats, could attempt to become a functioning member of society.
  • We can all rest easy that there is one less group plotting their world domination.
  • Jonathan Cain, the keyboardist of Journey, wouldn’t have to worry about this asshole trying to steal his job.
  • Dogs can stop lurking in the shadows, afraid that some uppity cat is going to bitchslap them.
  • Your grandma’s house won’t have that rancid cat piss smell anymore.
  • We’d manage to avoid this chilling, inevitable reality:
  • Those performers on Broadway would regain their dignity and shed those ridiculous feline outfits (Don’t you see?! Performing as cats…that’s exactly what they want! We might as well be worshiping them as gods…oh wait, the Egyptians already did that.)
  • We’d have to find some other animal to hunt mice cause god knows we don’t need anymore of those little bastards running around…but better them then cats.
  • Single men will have to find a new pet to make people question their sexuality.
  • People will have to resort to loving an animal that doesn’t sit around in a sandbox of its own shit!
  • We will have rid the world of this minion of Satan:

Let’s face it…when you adopt a cat, you don’t it, it owns you. That little fucker has free reign of your house and there’s not a goddamn thing you are going to do about it. Because cats are like the quiet guy in your office who goes about his daily routine, but you know that if you fuck with him, he’s liable to snap and take out everyone.

But I’m telling you, if we rounded all the cats up and threw them on a boat to China, not only would we be free from the feline demons, but we’d solve China’s hunger problem. The depressing reality is that there are too many homely women in this country dedicated to serving their cats every will and need. By not ridding the world of these satanic vermin, we’ve doomed ourselves to a Planet of the Apes style enslavement…”YOU DAMN, DIRTY CAT!”

But one has to have dreams right?


Imagine coming home to this spawn of Satan...

Imagine coming home to this spawn of Satan...

Is it wrong that I kind of hope there is a pool of acid below this cat?

Is it wrong that I kind of hope there is a pool of acid below this cat?



  1. This is THE stupidest post I’ve ever read.

    • Aww someone a little sensitive about their pussy…chill the fuck out…its intended to be a joke…have a sense of humor.

  2. Maybe we could thin the herd by eliminating douche-bags who blog about bullshit. Just a thought.

  3. i like cats, but one time i was living in this shit hole of a flat in east london on the ground floor. and every morning i woke up this cat would be staring at me through the window, then when i went outside it bit me and actually drew blood. then 3 days later i find the fucker in my kitchen. then the little shit when back to watching me sleep through the crack in my curtain…..i dont think it was a normal cat

  4. fuck cats- they scratch you, curve their backs at you, and run away ever time you try to be nice to them. I’d replace them all with dogs if i could ha

  5. cool photo

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