Posted by: thinningtheherd | September 16, 2009

#3 Yoko Ono


yoko-ono-unwrapping1967

An example of Yoko's "art"

Species Name: Lunaticus Bandwreckerus

With the recent releases of the remastered Beatles albums and “The Beatles: Rock Band,” it only seems fair to focus on the Japanese banshee witch that broke up, arguably the greatest band of all time.  Now, some people say that Yoko gets a bum wrap, that the writing was already on the wall for the Beatles before she ever came into the picture, blah, blah, blah, cry me a fucking river.  Here’s the deal, the Beatles were a band before Yoko fucking Ono came into John Lennon’s life, and after, they weren’t.

During her reign of terror, Yoko introduced John Lennon to heroin, co-wrote the worst Beatles song of all time, “Revolution 9,” and even felt compelled to give her feedback to the band during recording sessions that no wives or girlfriends were even allowed to be present for.  WTF?!  Who the fuck are you to criticize the motherfucking Beatles?!  Guess what?  If you wanted to make yourself useful, you should’ve jumped in front of Mark David Chapman’s gun.  It would’ve been a win-win.  A music legend gets to go on living, and the world rids itself of Yoko Ono…in fact, let’s “Imagine there’s no Yoko, it’s easy if you try…”

In a world where Yoko Ono wasn’t around to make our ears bleed:

  • Spending a week in bed wouldn’t be called avant garde, it’d be called lazy.  Get a job!
  • The Beatles would’ve reunited, and a whole new generation would’ve had the opportunity to see the Fab Four play live.  Thanks devil whore.
  • Fake Artists, or Fartists, everywhere would still be making shitty art that they think is so fucking meaningful (some things will never change…)
  • We all would’ve been spared from…whatever this is…if you can make it all the way through without your head exploding…I commend you.
  • War, hunger, racism, and sexism would cease to exist because no one would have to listen to Yoko whine about it anymore.
  • We also would’ve been spared from pretentious garbage like this load of fecal matter…if you can make it through this without committing hari kari…I commend you.
  • Suicide rates all over the world would drop dramatically because people would have to listen to the tortured guinea pig mating calls that this dirty cooze calls singing.
  • Paul McCartney would never have married Heather Mills in a quest to be the Beatle with the most bat shit crazy wife.
  • John Lennon would’ve fallen in love with another crazy broad…hopefully she would have had at least a shred of talent though.
  • Finally we would’ve been spared from this eye gouging gem…if you can make it through this without wanting to drown a puppy…I commend you.

Based on Exhibit’s A, B, and C, it’s clear that a woman capable of that kind of cacophony, has no place in the world.  And don’t buy the whole “she’s an artist who has never given up on what she believes in” argument.  She’s a glorified trust fund baby who spent the first half of her life living off her family’s money and the second half living off John Lennon’s fortune.  To top it all off, she just publicly admitted to not being familiar with any of the Beatles songs…are you fucking kidding me?!  You couldn’t take time out of your busy, unemployed schedule to listen to a few tracks?  No, of course you couldn’t because you too busy making shitty performance art, shitty music, and a shitty existence.  If only you and all your blind followers would disappear forever.  However, the sad truth is, we’ll all be privy to Yoko’s every move until the day she dies, which will probably be at the long overdue age of 112 years old.  Maybe we can get Mark David Chapman out on parole for a day to finish the job…

One has to have dreams right?

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Responses

  1. Brilliant! Ono has been a personal annoyance for many years… Great post.

    • Thanks Kevin…just doing the work that needs to be done…feel free to spread the word about the blog.

      • If I was a hacker, I would dismantle your website, send you a bill for it, document the process, package it nicely, then send a copy to Yoko Ono. She would understand this, especially if the packaging was nice. You, on the other hand, would probably go to your grave.

        F L U X U S

      • Congratulations FLUXUS, for taking a big step towards being the worst hacker of all time with your stupid ass handle…maybe you, Neo and Morpheus can work on taking down the Matrix next. Your comment might be one of the dumbest I’ve ever received…send me a bill for what? It’s a free website. Document the process? Huh? And I hate to break it to you, even if you took the extra time to curl the multicolored ribbons on the package you sent to Yoko, she still wouldn’t give a shit, cause she’s dead inside. And for me probably going to my grave…ummm, okay…

  2. Oh my god, this is just absolutely AWFUL ! She is completely tone deaf, no stage presence and that grating howling… He’ must have been really in love with her to think this was great- SHE CANT SING!

  3. The 3 videos made me do it! 😀
    She’s a singer, really ? Smn kill me pls!
    If what she does is called art, than Kanye can call her the greatest of all time… and after they both deserve to die!
    Nice blog! I think Im gonna subscribe! Keep up the good work!

  4. Oh my god, get over yourself. Do you have anything better to do than rant about people who you know nothing about? Give us a fucking break! You don’t know that the beatles would have gotten back together if yoko wasn’t in the picture. You can’t assume one way or another. Who are you to judge a couple’s relationship. The beatles were the most amazing band in the world, but that doesn’t rob them of the right to love or a happy relationship. Clearly, you know nothing about that…

    …and I’m a bitch.

    • Hey Evie…chill the fuck out, it’s a hypothetical humor blog…congratulations on your slandering commentary…you are awesome.

    • I second that! Besides, and the Beatles themselves have said so, it wasn’t her fault. They were all coming apart before John and Yoko were together. All she did was make John stay a happy person after the Beatles broke up. I don’t know about you, but I like to see people happy. ESPECIALLY WHEN THEY’REONE OF MY FAVOURITE MUSICIANS IN THE WORLD. . .If you’re gonna go bitching about it, you should at least get your facts right. It’s true, you obviously know nothing about her, and I can tell just by reading this.

  5. who killed sgt. pepper?

  6. What was Lennon on to have spent that much time with Yoko Crapo! As a musican you would think his ears would be pouring blood.

  7. I hear better singing than that when the cat gets under my feet and I step on his tail.

  8. Holy crap. Please tell me Yoko is just messing around in these clips! LOL! This CAN’T be REAL! LOL!

    Your writing is so freaking hilarious, ThinningTheHerd! And I loved the, “Imagine there’s no Yoko!” HAHAHAHA!


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