Species Name: Spinelessius Scumbagicus
I’m banking on this post being HUGE in Canada because most of you probably don’t have any fucking clue who Sean Avery is. All you need to know about Sean Avery is that he is a professional hockey player, but is more noteworthy for his off-the-ice antics than anything he’s ever contributed to any team he’s been a part of. As a ravenous hockey fan since I stopped shitting in diapers, this Dbag has been a thorn in my side for the last decade. It’s one thing after another with this tool, because at his core he’s more of an attention whore than Paris Hilton.
Early this morning, Avery was arrested at his Hollywood home for the misdemeanor charge of battery… on a police officer. If you ask me, the cops let this dipshit off easy. He should’ve been charged with felony assault, so that maybe, just maybe, this pimple on the NHL’s ass might have to be thrown in prison and if were lucky, raped over and over again by a large, well-endowed African American cellmate before being put to death by firing squad shooting rubber bullets (just to really drag it out).
Some people love Sean Avery because he’s hockey’s “bad boy.” Look, we’re okay with not having a “bad boy.” There’s enough “bad boys” in the NFL, NBA, and MLB combined to meet the world’s “bad boy” quota. Our “bad boys” handle their shit on the ice with some good ole fashioned fisticuffs instead of blabbing verbal diarrhea to some dumb reporter. That’s a bitch move. Then again, Avery did intern at Vogue Magazine and is a self-proclaimed “clothes-whore.” So, the apple might not fall far from the tree if you catch my psuedo-implied homosexual drift.
In a world where Sean Avery didn’t exist to be the NHL’s imperishable cockroach:
- He wouldn’t be the first asshole to get an NHL rule named after him. The “Avery Rule” was created in 2008, after Avery repeatedly put his arms in New Jersey Devils goalie Martin Brodeur’s eyeline, blocking him from being able to see the puck and being a childish prick in the process. Seriously, asshole. What are you eight years old?
- Avery wouldn’t have referred to Toronto Maple Leaf defenseman Dion Phaneuf dating Avery’s ex-girlfriend/actress Elisha Cuthbert as getting his “sloppy seconds.” Look, nobody’s arguing that Phaneuf was indeed getting your sloppy seconds but have a little goddamn class. Like it or not, you represent the NHL every time you open your dumbass mouth to some reporter. If anything, embrace the fact that you guys are eskimo brothers now. That’s called unity, bitch!
- In 2007, The Kings would’ve held onto veteran defenseman Matthieu Schneider who would’ve helped bring the Kings win the Stanley Cup… maybe. But instead we traded him for Avery and that other useless bag of pucks, Maxim Kuznetsov.
- New Line Cinema wouldn’t have commissioned a screenplay about Sean Avery, a hockey player who moonlights as a fashionista in New York City. Really? With all the great ideas out there, you thought that would be a winner, New Line? Can I make a casting suggestion? How about Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson. That asshole will star in any piece of shit.
- We wouldn’t be able to laugh at the quote that Avery provided ESPN when asked about his interest in women’s fashion over mens: “You do suits and pants and that’s about that. Women’s clothes tell a story. That’s what’s interesting to me.” Just play hockey you goddamn idiot… that, and/or go fuck yourself.