#114 Adam Sandler

Species Name: Oncefunnyius Nowhackius

This one hurts.  It hurts because I can still recite every word of Billy Madison and Happy Gilmore like it were a Shakespearean sonnet.  It hurts because I listened to “They’re All Gonna Laugh at You” so much as a kid that my mom probably thought I was retarded.  But mainly it hurts because I know that somewhere deep down, Adam Sandler still has the potential to make good movies like Punchdrunk Love and The Wedding Singer.  But instead, prefers to bombard us with diarrhea grenades that he calls movies.  Exhibit A, his newest film, Jack and Jill due to be released on November 11th, 2011:

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You’re traveling down a dangerous road, Sandler.  That road lies between Norbit Ave. and The Nutty Professor 2: The Klumps Blvd.  Clearly you’re ignoring the signs that read, “Dead End,” and instead seem determined to follow in the footsteps of your fellow SNL alum, Eddie Murphy.  Well, we all know how that worked out.  You’re one more shitty movie away from “helping” a tranny hooker out by “giving her a ride home.”  Adam, I’m really sorry about this, but you’ve left you no other choice.

In a world where Adam Sandler didn’t exist to make movies that could make Going Overboard look good:

• We wouldn’t have to be subjected to you taking all your buddies on a vacation and making an unfunny movie out of it.  P.S. – Kevin James getting hit in the nuts isn’t funny.  It’s funny when it happens to anyone else, just not Kevin James.

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• Speaking of Kevin James, if Sandler didn’t exist, James would’ve faded into oblivion after “King of Queens” like God meant him to, but instead:

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• Rob Schneider would be living on Skid Row.

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• Hummus would’ve remained a delicious snack instead of the precipice to base a whole unfunny movie around.

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• We’d still think Judd Apatow knew how to direct.

• David Spade would be sharing Rob Schneider’s cardboard box on Skid Row.

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Look, I realize there is something to be said for being loyal to your friends, especially after you become a big star.  But, at what cost?  I mean shouldn’t you only be loyal to them if they’re actually talented?  After all, it’s the American public that’s had to suffer through Dickie Roberts: Former Child Star, The Hot Chick, and now Zookeeper.

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As much as I wish I could just thin Sandler’s career from the last decade instead of the whole thing, that’s not the way this hypothetical blog game works.  Unfortunately it comes down to, “what have you done for me lately?”  Click?  Bedtime Stories?  I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry?  Your IMDB resume speaks for itself, Adam.  You used to be a comedian I looked up to because you refused to fit into the typical Hollywood mold, but now, I hate to say it, and believe me it hurts… but you’re… well… a hack, completely conforming to that Hollywood mold.

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But one has to have dreams right?

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